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Your Relationship with Yourself
Self-Respect Martyn Carruthers & Kosjenka Muk

Online Coaching, Counseling & Soulwork Therapy

Resolve negative emotions and relationship problems

Our coaching isn't a spectator sport - we offer contact! We help people explore, discover and relate to themselves. We find that a good relationship with self is the solid basis for pleasant emotions and good relationships in life. Look at this table:

Relationships can inspire or hurt people. How is your relationship with yourself?
Do you like and appreciate yourself or do you frequently criticize yourself?

Healthy Self Relationship Unhealthy Self Relationship
You appreciate yourself You are often irritated, depressed
or critical of yourself
Your explore your feelings and emotions You ignore your feelings and your emotions seem out of control
You review your personal history to learn from the past to make a better future You rarely review your personal history - each step of your life is a surprise
You feel your reactions to goals and think carefully about your plans You avoid your feelings and you don't trust your own ideas
You enjoy passion and intimacy You are afraid of your own passion
You contemplate your goals and dreams, values and sense of life You rarely contemplate your goals,
values or dreams
You participate in projects which require your inspiration and motivation You avoid, ignore or condemn inspiration and motivation
You enjoy relationships with friends, family, partners and children You prefer to avoid or withdraw from most or all relationships
You trust your experience of who you are You feel that other people's judgments of you are better than your own.
You feel good about being yourself You try to prove yourself in unhealthy ways, or you try to copy others.
You feel inner fulfillment and are rarely bored You expect people to make you happy
You want lasting happiness You want fun or to not-feel anything

To feel better about themselves, some people try to put other people down, manipulate them, control them through anger or pretending to be a victim and so on. This table compares some signs of healthy and unhealthy relationships with yourself ...

Healthy Self Relationship Unhealthy Self Relationship
You fulfill your needs through negotiation You feel guilty if you say "No"
You feel good about being normal You feel special, either better or worse than other people
You accept mistakes as part of life You feel irritated about anything that you can call a mistake
You try to be fair You are inconsiderate, or you let people treat you badly
You cope with and take responsibility for your emotions You blame other people for "causing" your emotions
You respect people's choices and decisions You show criticize and show contempt for people's choices and decisions
You express your opinions peacefully and consider other points of view You feel bad if people disagree with you; you try to change their minds.

Early Family Background

If you grew up with family relationship chaos you may have learned to dislike and criticize yourself. Did anybody ever show you how to appreciate yourself? If you grew up in a home where personal choice was ignored, you may not have learned about personal dignity. Did anyone show you how to define your own values?

Did your early family encourage each other? Were you taught how to choose goals and how to encourage yourself to fulfill them? Did your early family hurt each other, causing you lose trust in them and in yourself? Or did your family create activities that everybody could enjoy?

The atmosphere in your early family may have be a normal way to live life, and the way your parents taught you to think and feel about yourself will influence your normal everyday life. Do you feel comfortable with how you usually feel? Do you think it's "good enough" and not likely to change? We can help you make your mood more enjoyable and motivating!

Can you forgive yourself for growing up in your family? Can you forgive your family?

Are you Addicted to Something or Someone?

Addictions often seem to be attempts to fulfill the goal of I do not want to be me!. Most addictions seem to be ways that people avoid, dissociate or not-feel negative emotions, including boredom and loneliness. We coach people to end addictive behavior, and help them change the emotions and relationships that support it. But the longer you leave it - the harder it is to change.

Addictions bring short-term relief and long-term nightmares. Although some addictions are common and the consequences well known; many people at least as intelligent and knowledgeable as you are addicts. If compulsions and obsessions are included with addiction, few people may seem to be free.

Many people use drugs to try to ignore or forget their emotions.
Or maybe you want better solutions ... lasting solutions

Addictive relationships cause lasting damage. Abuse or emotional blackmail provide stress that can increase your risk of psychosomatic symptoms and hypertension. Addictive relationships can lead to drug abuse, depression, or to suicide attempts.

  • Do you justify staying in a sick relationship? (see identity loss)
  • Do you know a relationship is unhealthy for both of you, yet avoid ending it?
  • If you consider ending a relationship, do you feel anxiety, guilt or physically ill?

If any of these apply to you, could you be passive aggressive or addicted? We can help you understand your situation, and help you choose how to improve your life.

Emotional First Aid

Your inner state or attitude helps you attract or create what you want. To change your attitude, you can list what activities help you change your mood from unpleasant to pleasant.

For example, my list right now includes: intimacy, sitting by the sea, walking in mountains, reading, good coffee, paella and writing. What are yours? Keep your list handy, and when something triggers an unpleasant state, do one of the activities on your list.

Your body health is important - when you treat yourself well, you feel and look better. Have you explored your health needs ... do you sleep enough to feel good, how many meals do you need each day and how many hours apart? How about sexual intimacy? And exercise? Explore what you need to perform at your best ... and then take care of your needs.

You can create mental images of what you want, then imagine feeling what they would feel like, and then consider what practical steps would be needed to attain them. To help keep your vision alive, you can then create collages, with pictures of what you want, perhaps cut from magazines.

Emotional first aid is unlikely to manage chronic emotions or established habits, but can give you space to decide what you want to change ... and how you want to change it. We help people find lasting solutions for emotional and relationship issues.

When to Seek Help

Some people, although they are hurting and want help, procrastinate. And when they've suffered enough ... we are here.

  • Do you usually stay in bad relationships?
  • Do you stay in a relationship due to guilt or anxiety?
  • Do you want to end a relationship, but you cannot follow through?
  • Do you want to decide whether you should accept it, improve it, or get out of it?

Contact us to resolve negative emotions and relationship problems.

Online Coaching, Counseling & Soulwork Therapy

I thought you were just another therapist - but you were not just. Not even. Not only.

Plagiarism is theft. Copyright Martyn Carruthers & Kosjenka Muk 2010-2018
All rights reserved

If you like our work, please link to us. If you know someone who might benefit,
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For online help, email us at:

Soulwork systemic coaching in America & Hawaii


Soulwork systemic coaching in England, Wales & Scotland

Soulwork systemic coaching in Croatia & Serbia

Soulwork systemic coaching in Poland



Have You Suffered Enough?

 Where are you now? Understand your emotions, fixations and enmeshments
What do you hope for? Know your goals and stop sabotaging yourself
Do you feel resourceful? Learn to develop your inner resources
Do emotions block you? Relationship problems and mentor damage
Do your beliefs limit you? Change limiting beliefs and end dependence
Do you feel connected? Resolve identity issues to recover lost resources
Is your partner happy? Build healthy partnership (or separate peacefully)
Are your children healthy? Happy parents better manage family problems
Do you want team success? Team leaders and their teams develop together
Do you have complex goals? Specialty coaching, counseling & therapy

Plagiarism is theft. Copyright Martyn Carruthers 1996-2018  All rights reserved. Soulwork Systemic Coaching was primarily developed by Martyn Carruthers to help people solve emotional problems and relationship conflicts to achieve their goals. These concepts and strategies are for general knowledge only. Consult a physician about medical conditions and before changing medical treatment. Don't steal intellectual property ... get permission to post, publish or teach Martyn's work - email