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Online Solutions for Satanism & Ritual Abuse
Escape from the Dark Side Martyn Carruthers & Kosjenka Muk

Online Life Coaching, Counseling & Soulwork Therapy

Have you been involved with or influenced by Satanism' or black magic'?

This page describes an experiment. We coached a woman Anna (not her real name) in return for permission to post her story and her comments.
It started with an internet text conversation ...

First Contact

Anna: About counteracting beliefs instilled using brainwashing techniques. Basically, is it possible, or does one attempt to override them with discipline and persistence? Or ...

Martyn: Yes it is possible, although discipline, persistence and even infinite counter-examples may not change fixed beliefs. On the other side, if you change the emotional or relationship components of a fixed belief - that belief may become just another idea.

Anna: What would be an example of the difference between a counter-example and a change of an emotional component of a fixed belief that causes compulsive eating?

Martyn: Answering THAT would require an article ... and it's easier to do than to explain. See bonds. Compulsive eating often has 6-12 issues embedded in it and is unlikely to depend on a single belief, in my opinion ... it's more like clusters of beliefs and emotional memories that compensate for missing parts of self.

Anna: I just came in to do some research on counteracting brainwashing, and your site seemed balanced, intelligent and possibly helpful. My father ... (story of a Satanist father and ritual abuse) ... I am recently off long-term meds for depression and am doing quite well

Martyn: Would you be interested in writing an article (under any name you like) about your experience with ritual abuse that I can intersperse with my comments and whatever comes up in return for a couple of no-fee sessions?

Anna: Yes, that could be interesting - could be fun!

Martyn: Have you talked to the police about this?

Anna: I had no memories of the traumatic side of my childhood until my early 30's. Retribution is a big thing with cults. Talking openly about the cult and what it does, and the possibility of healing, is risky, and I have to keep my child safe.

Please consult a physician regarding the applicability of any opinions or recommendations
about sexual abuse, stress disorders, anxiety or other possible medical conditions

Satanic ritual abuse usually refers to child abuse involving Satanism. Any discussions of ritual abuse evoke questions about the credibility of participants, witnesses and about the willingness of police and helping professionals to believe such allegations.

We had no reason to doubt Anna. She appeared to be very intelligent with a strong desire to enjoy a healthy life. We found her memories and the associations that arose during our coaching to be similar to those of other people who had suffered prolonged child abuse. We only met Anna online.

Did the ritual abuse really happen or did Anna hold false memories? We don't know, however, the way out is usually the way through. Anna wanted to feel better and more optimistic about life generally - so we focused on her future possibilities and by helping her assimilate some of her unpleasant thoughts and feelings.

Here is Anna's story as she wrote it ... and our comments.

Our Father, who art in Hell ... Growing Up with a Satanist

Anna: Here in Canada, many people think that child abuse is rare, and they don't want to believe otherwise. But my story is one among many. I hope that the story of my abuse provides readers with a unique perspective, since my father was heavily involved in a Satanic cult.

Anna said that her father died a few years before, and that since he died she felt free ...
that she finally felt safe to be a woman and that she felt safe to become pregnant.

Anna wrote a detailed 'shopping list' of goals, all of which appeared clear and attainable.

In my earliest memories, I was standing in my crib, holding on to the rail and watching my father enter the darkened room. I was maybe two years old, and I was scared. Badness had come into the room.

Where was Anna's mother while these things were happening?
Anna said that her father would put a narcotic into her mother's tea.

He took me from my crib to a stranger's house, where I was the object of a ritual. I remember my terrible fear and my desperate need to run away. This was but one night out of 19 years filled with terrifying, confusing and almost fatal experiences. In some of them I was the focus, but there were many where I was one of a group of children and adults who were forced to participate or observe.

Anna mentioned some limiting beliefs ... that she could not be healthy, that she was weak-minded, that she had no value ... These beliefs seemed clustered around a feeling of despair. When she felt this despair, she said that it felt like her dead father floated in front of her.

After clarifying her relationship with her father, Anna said that those beliefs became laughable.

I also have memories of him as a warm, loving father, who could understand and explain and soothe my little girl hurts and confusions. He pushed us kids on the swing, built a desk for us, taught us how to use an axe and a rifle, taught us how to set fence-posts and fish for salmon. He was two very different men, and it was deeply confusing.

Anna's description of her father might fit someone with identity conflict. Apparently, his father was also a Satanist, and perhaps his grandfather too, so resolving intergenerational relationship bonds will probably be important.

I remember family activities that involved boating, camping, bringing in firewood, berry picking, and picnicking on the beach. And I have sickening memories of emotional, physical, and sexual abuse, drugs, blood sacrifices, circles of black-robed adults, and rituals I couldn't begin to understand.

We define trauma as, events that cause people to split off parts of themselves.
We expect that Anna (like most people) will have 'split off parts' which she can assimilate.

I left home as soon as I graduated high school, and began to build my life. I remember job after minimum-wage job (I left most jobs after a few months due to depression and panic attacks), apartment after apartment, few friends, welfare cheques, and a body that could live on junk food.

We find that compulsions usually indicate split-off parts. I asked Anna about her eating compulsion and she said that felt enormous panic ... associated with a memory of a severed head in some Satanic ritual. After briefly coaching Anna to begin assimilating this memory, Anna said that her sense of panic seemed much less.

The next day Anna wrote:
My state has been erratic today, from free and weightless to barely functioning in a panic state. Not surprising, but not much fun!

I read compulsively, ate compulsively, watched movies compulsively and spent compulsively. My life was always chaotic, as were my finances.

Anna said that she is addicted to chocolate. Anna's chocoholic 'side' was like a very lonely little girl ... as we helped Anna accept and assimilate her 'lonely girl side', adult resources became available, including a desire to help young women who have gotten lost in life.

Shortly afterwards, Anna wrote:
I am experiencing a most comforting realization that everything about me and my life is perfect and enriching. My pleasure and pain and clarity and confusion is all equally worthy of appreciation. I think I'm seeing the possibility and power of acceptance. I have fearfully resisted my pain, both physical and emotional, and now see that contentment could come from embracing pain and pleasure equally, as being my friends.

By allowing myself to be humble and accepting instead of being all puffed up and armored, I can expand my self and my life. I can set myself free, and relax, and be happy. I've been struggling so hard to make things be okay, so that someday I can have a life without pain, when actually, things are fine the way they are, pain and all. I'm okay Right Now.

Sounds like eastern spiritual practice. I've heard this sort of thing before, but now I seem to have "gotten" it in a personal way.

I dumped any boyfriends who treated me with kindness and respect in favor of men who offered some kind of emotional abuse. I didn't understand respect I couldn't trust it. I gave sex as the only coin I knew for purchasing what I thought was affection.

People who have been frequently sexually abused often consider abusive sex to be normal.

I dreamed of a life in the country with a garden and horses, land of my own, and peace, always peace. I tried to live in a dream of ease, harmony, and plenty while my real life was fear, struggle, and poverty.

Anna later wrote: It seems that you help me pay attention to my feelings, with your insight and experience thrown in, yeah? Well, it's working. I'm still eating junk food, but not nearly as much, and I have more awareness in the grocery store. I have more willingness to be aware. I've prepared a couple of healthy meals and felt a real sense of relief in my body.

It seems a terrible waste now, at my age, to see myself as an intelligent, capable and talented woman, still living on government money, still doubting myself, my judgment, and my desires, and still dreaming of that place of peace.

I worked hard over the years to heal from my early life, and have made real progress. I enjoy life much more, have friends and a business, and have grown in wisdom through my experiences. I have an infant daughter who brings laughter and a sense of purpose and worth.

Most people seem to mature as they accept and fulfill the responsibilities of parenthood.

Still, I am held back by my compulsive behaviors and fear of conflict. My home is still a mess, and I still have days when I have to fight to get out of bed and brush my teeth. I feel exhausted most of the time (the fatigue of parenthood feels healthy by comparison!), and I feel guilty because I can't make myself exercise, eat vegetables, or wash dishes.

A key issue may be anxiety. If Anna can't relax; she may feel constantly fatigued.

I'm afraid to make commitments, in case I let people down, as I have done many times, or because I was afraid to leave the house, or because I didn't feel I had anything worthwhile to offer.

I'd like to keep an orderly home, a healthy body, and an active life. I'd like to live expressively and expansively and generously. I'd like my child to have a role model of a joyous woman, living creatively with the real world, whatever that might be. I'd like to provide us both with financial stability. I'd love to not feel so twisted up inside.

We find that the essence of overcoming abuse is to accept the reality of your feelings, to love yourself and to plan a worthwhile life. Anna had already taken huge steps in this direction ... we helped her validate her feelings and integrate some parts of herself that she had 'split off' during her childhood.

As Anna assimilated her negative emotions, she could feel better and function better.


This is an example of the stress and suffering that follow child abuse, and the need to assimilate such experiences (See Going APE). Our overview is:

  1. People's lives and personalities have a core ... a core which we call integrity
  2. People may "split off" parts of themselves during trauma
  3. People who lose integrity can feel stuck in confused family roles and habits
  4. People create beliefs to explain their stuckness or justify their adaptation to life
  5. We help people integrate their parts, change their beliefs and recover integrity

We recommend that people diagnosed with multiple personalities (MPD) or dissociative identity disorder (DID) not attempt to integrate dissociated
personalities alone. Please seek experienced helping professionals.

You don't have to remain a hostage of your past. Whatever really happened, we can help you accept your feelings and manage your thoughts. You can focus on pleasant thoughts and memories. You can collect good memories of people and places. You can make mental and physical photo albums of pleasant images.

You can avoid psycho-thriller books, horror movies and sensationalist news and choose to watch and read stories with enjoyable endings. You can use your past as evidence of your strength as you plan a worthwhile life.

Please consult a physician regarding any opinions or recommendations
about depression, anxiety or other medical conditions.

Online Life Coaching, Relationship Counseling & Soulwork Training

I thought you were just another therapist - but you were not just. Not even. Not only.

Plagiarism is theft. Copyright Martyn Carruthers & Kosjenka Muk 2010-2018
All rights reserved

If you like our work, please link to us. If you know someone who might benefit,
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Have You Suffered Enough?

 Where are you now? Understand your emotions, fixations and enmeshments
What do you hope for? Know your goals and stop sabotaging yourself
Do you feel resourceful? Learn to develop your inner resources
Do emotions block you? Relationship problems and mentor damage
Do your beliefs limit you? Change limiting beliefs and end dependence
Do you feel connected? Resolve identity issues to recover lost resources
Is your partner happy? Build healthy partnership (or separate peacefully)
Are your children healthy? Happy parents better manage family problems
Do you want team success? Team leaders and their teams develop together
Do you have complex goals? Specialty coaching, counseling & therapy

Plagiarism is theft. Copyright Martyn Carruthers 1996-2018  All rights reserved. Soulwork Systemic Coaching was primarily developed by Martyn Carruthers to help people solve emotional problems and relationship conflicts to achieve their goals. These concepts and strategies are for general knowledge only. Consult a physician about medical conditions and before changing medical treatment. Don't steal intellectual property ... get permission to post, publish or teach Martyn's work - email