Have you been involved with or influenced by Satanism' or black magic'?
This page describes an experiment. We coached a woman Anna
(not her real name) in return for permission to post her story and her
It started with an internet text conversation ...
Anna: About counteracting beliefs
instilled using brainwashing techniques. Basically, is it possible, or does one
attempt to override them with discipline and persistence? Or ...
Martyn: Yes it is possible, although
discipline, persistence and even infinite counter-examples may not change fixed
beliefs. On the other side, if you change the emotional or relationship components
of a fixed belief - that belief may become just another idea.
Anna: What would be an example of the
difference between a counter-example and a change of an emotional component of a
fixed belief that causes compulsive eating?
Martyn: Answering THAT would require an
article ... and it's easier to do than to explain. See bonds.
Compulsive eating often has 6-12 issues embedded in it and is unlikely to depend
on a single belief, in my opinion ... it's more like clusters of beliefs and emotional
memories that compensate for missing parts of self.
Anna: I just came in to do some
research on counteracting brainwashing, and your site seemed balanced,
intelligent and possibly helpful. My father ... (story of a Satanist
father and ritual abuse) ... I am recently off long-term meds for
depression and am doing quite well
Martyn: Would you be interested in
writing an article (under any name you like) about your experience with ritual
abuse that I can intersperse with my comments and whatever comes up in return
for a couple
of no-fee sessions?
Anna: Yes, that could be interesting -
could be fun!
Martyn: Have you talked to the police
Anna: I had no memories of the
traumatic side of my childhood until my early 30's. Retribution is a big thing
with cults. Talking openly about the cult and what it does, and the possibility
of healing, is risky, and I have to keep my child safe.
Please consult a
physician regarding the applicability of any opinions or recommendations
about sexual abuse, stress disorders, anxiety or other possible medical
Satanic ritual abuse usually refers to child abuse involving
Satanism. Any discussions of ritual abuse evoke questions about the credibility
of participants, witnesses and about the willingness of police and helping
professionals to believe such allegations.
We had no reason to doubt Anna. She appeared to be very
intelligent with a strong desire to enjoy a healthy life. We found her
memories and the associations that arose during our coaching to be
similar to those of other people who had suffered prolonged child abuse.
We only met Anna online.
Did the ritual abuse really happen or did
Anna hold false memories? We don't know, however, the way out is
usually the way through. Anna wanted to feel better
and more optimistic about life generally - so we focused on her
future possibilities and by helping her assimilate some
of her unpleasant thoughts and feelings.
Here is Anna's story as she wrote it ... and
Our Father, who art in Hell
... Growing Up with a Satanist
Anna: Here in Canada, many people think that child abuse is rare,
and they don't want to believe otherwise. But my story is one among many. I hope
that the story of my abuse provides readers with a unique perspective, since my
father was heavily involved in a Satanic cult.
Anna said that her father
died a few years before, and that since he died she felt free ...
that she finally felt safe to be a woman and that she felt safe to become
Anna wrote a detailed
'shopping list' of goals, all of which appeared clear and attainable.
In my earliest memories, I was standing in my crib,
holding on to the rail and watching my father enter the darkened room.
I was maybe two years old, and I was scared. Badness had come into
Where was Anna's
mother while these things were happening?
Anna said that her father would put a narcotic into her mother's tea.
He took me from my crib to a stranger's house, where I
was the object of a ritual. I remember my terrible fear and my desperate need
to run away. This was but one night out of 19 years filled with terrifying,
confusing and almost fatal experiences. In some of them I was the focus, but
there were many where I was one of a group of children and adults who were
forced to participate or observe.
Anna mentioned some
limiting beliefs ... that she could not be healthy, that she was weak-minded,
that she had no value ... These beliefs seemed clustered around a feeling of
despair. When she felt this despair, she said that it felt like her
dead father floated in front of her.
After clarifying her
relationship with her father, Anna said that those beliefs became laughable.
I also have
memories of him as a warm, loving father, who could understand and explain
and soothe my little girl hurts and confusions. He pushed us kids on the swing,
built a desk for us, taught us how to use an axe and a rifle, taught us how to
set fence-posts and fish for salmon. He was two very different men, and it
was deeply confusing.
Anna's description of her
father might fit someone with identity conflict.
Apparently, his father was also a Satanist, and perhaps his grandfather too, so
resolving intergenerational relationship bonds
will probably be
I remember family activities that involved boating,
camping, bringing in firewood, berry picking, and picnicking on the beach.
And I have sickening memories of emotional, physical, and sexual abuse,
drugs, blood sacrifices, circles of black-robed adults, and rituals
I couldn't begin to understand.
trauma as, events that cause
people to split off parts of themselves.
We expect that Anna (like most people) will have 'split off parts'
which she can assimilate.
I left home as soon as I graduated high school,
and began to build my life. I remember job after minimum-wage job
(I left most jobs after a few months due to depression and panic attacks),
apartment after apartment, few friends, welfare cheques, and a body
that could live on junk food.
We find that compulsions
usually indicate split-off parts. I asked Anna about her eating compulsion and
she said that felt enormous panic ... associated with a memory of a
severed head in some Satanic ritual. After briefly coaching Anna to begin
assimilating this memory, Anna said that her sense of panic seemed much less.
The next day Anna wrote:
My state has been erratic today, from free and weightless to
barely functioning in a panic state. Not surprising, but not much fun!
I read compulsively, ate compulsively, watched movies
compulsively and spent compulsively. My life was always chaotic, as were
Anna said that she is
addicted to chocolate. Anna's chocoholic 'side' was like a very lonely little
girl ... as we helped Anna accept and assimilate her 'lonely girl side', adult
resources became available, including a desire to help young women who have
gotten lost in life.
Shortly afterwards, Anna wrote:
I am experiencing a most comforting realization that everything about me
and my life is perfect and enriching. My pleasure and pain and
clarity and confusion is all equally worthy of appreciation. I think I'm seeing
the possibility and power of acceptance. I have fearfully resisted my pain, both
physical and emotional, and now see that contentment could come from embracing
pain and pleasure equally, as being my friends.
allowing myself to be humble and accepting instead of being all puffed up and
armored, I can expand my self and my life. I can set myself free, and relax,
and be happy. I've been struggling so hard to make things be okay, so that
someday I can have a life without pain, when actually, things are fine the way
they are, pain and all. I'm okay Right Now.
eastern spiritual practice. I've heard this sort of thing
before, but now I seem to have "gotten" it in a personal way.
I dumped any boyfriends who treated me with
kindness and respect in favor of men who offered some kind of
emotional abuse. I didn't understand respect – I couldn't trust it.
I gave sex as the only coin I knew for purchasing what I thought
People who have been
frequently sexually abused often consider abusive sex to be normal.
I dreamed of a life in the country
with a garden and horses, land of my own, and peace, always peace. I tried to
live in a dream of ease, harmony, and plenty while my real life was fear,
struggle, and poverty.
Anna later wrote:
It seems that you help me pay attention to my feelings, with your insight and
experience thrown in, yeah? Well, it's working. I'm still eating junk food, but
not nearly as much, and I have more awareness in the grocery store. I have more willingness
to be aware. I've prepared a couple of healthy meals and felt a real sense of
relief in my body.
It seems a terrible waste now, at my age, to
see myself as an intelligent, capable and talented woman, still living on
government money, still doubting myself, my judgment, and my desires, and
still dreaming of that place of peace.
I worked hard over the years to heal from my early life,
and have made real progress. I enjoy life much more, have friends and a
business, and have grown in wisdom through my experiences. I have an infant
daughter who brings laughter and a sense of purpose and worth.
Most people seem to mature as they
accept and fulfill the responsibilities of parenthood.
Still, I am held back by my
behaviors and fear
of conflict. My home is still a mess, and I still have days when I have to fight
to get out of bed and brush my teeth. I feel exhausted most of the time (the
fatigue of parenthood feels healthy by comparison!), and I feel guilty because I
can't make myself exercise, eat vegetables, or wash dishes.
A key issue may be anxiety.
If Anna can't relax; she may feel constantly fatigued.
I'm afraid to make commitments, in case I let people down,
as I have done many times, or because I was afraid to leave the house, or
because I didn't feel I had anything worthwhile to offer.
I'd like to keep an orderly home, a healthy body, and an
active life. I'd like to live expressively and expansively and generously. I'd
like my child to have a role model of a joyous woman, living creatively with the
real world, whatever that might be. I'd like to provide us both with financial
stability. I'd love to not feel so twisted up inside.
We find that the essence of overcoming abuse is
to accept the reality of your feelings, to love yourself and to plan
a worthwhile life. Anna had already taken huge steps in this direction
... we helped her validate her feelings and integrate some parts of
herself that she had 'split off' during her childhood.
As Anna assimilated her negative emotions, she could feel better and function
This is an example of the stress and suffering
that follow child abuse, and the
need to assimilate such experiences (See
Our overview is:
- People's lives and personalities have a core ... a core
which we call integrity
- People may "split off" parts of themselves
- People who lose integrity can feel stuck in confused family
roles and habits
- People create beliefs to explain their stuckness or
justify their adaptation to life
- We help people integrate their parts, change their
beliefs and recover integrity
We recommend that people diagnosed
with multiple personalities (MPD) or dissociative identity disorder (DID)
not attempt to integrate dissociated
personalities alone. Please seek
experienced helping professionals.
don't have to remain a hostage of your past. Whatever really happened, we can
help you accept your
feelings and manage your thoughts. You can focus on pleasant thoughts and
memories. You can collect good memories of people and places. You can make
mental and physical photo albums of pleasant images.
You can avoid
psycho-thriller books, horror movies and sensationalist news and choose
and read stories with enjoyable endings. You can use your past as
evidence of your strength as you plan a worthwhile life.
Please consult a
physician regarding any opinions or recommendations
about depression, anxiety or other medical conditions.
Life Coaching, Relationship Counseling & Soulwork Training
I thought you were just
another therapist - but you were not just. Not even. Not only.
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Martyn Carruthers & Kosjenka Muk 2010-2017 All rights reserved