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Gender Identity & Sex Change
Consequences of Transsexual Surgery Martyn Carruthers

Online Life Coaching, Counseling & Soulwork Therapy

When people say that they are male or female,
they are referring to more than the shape of their sexual organs.

We help people who are obsessed with cross-gender dressing,
people in homosexual couples and a few following sex change operations.
We offer this help only if people ask for it, not because we feel that it's needed.

If you feel strong emotions as you read this, especially if you have
undergone gender change, please consider seeking emotional support.

Food for Thought

There are no accepted definitions of masculine and feminine.

  • Many people confuse sexual orientation with gender identity.
  • Not all people who feel their gender is wrong choose surgery.
  • Not all people who think of themselves as transsexual will stay that way.
  • Many people considering gender change are afraid of the consequences.
  • Many transsexuals experience emotional changes as they change gender.

The term gender dysphoria was created by psychiatrists at a time when men were supposed to be dynamic and women were supposed to be passive, to describe people who felt that they had a character more appropriate for the opposite sex. Like much psychiatric diagnosis, it has no proven genetic or physiological basis.

A biological male cannot change into a biological female or vice versa ... they can alter the appearance of body parts and they can take hormones. People undertaking sexual surgery retain the sex they were born with.

Thailand became the most popular place in the world for for sex change operations or transsexual change ... for a gender bender vendor ... (sorry). After Thailand, Iran currently has the highest number of sex-change operations. (In Iran homosexuality is punishable by execution, but homosexual men can legally become heterosexual women following sex-change surgery!)

>>I was really screwed-up. I told my psychiatrist that I felt I was in the wrong body,
or something like that, and he referred me for sex change surgery.
I am furious that he didn't offer me other alternatives!

Most sex change surgery is irreversible and the results are often less than ideal. Male-to-female operations often remove the genitals, create a vagina, insert breast implants and a modified larynx. Lasers can be used to remove unwanted hair and cosmetic surgery can modify the face. Female-to-male surgery often involves removal of breasts and womb; while genital reconstruction uses either the clitoris (enlarged by hormones) or tissue grafts and an erectile prosthetic.

Possession is Nine Points of the Law

Who are you? We ask questions and we listen carefully. We avoid assumptions or advice. We try to understand people's emotional reality, whatever their body sex or sexual orientation. We coach people to manage emotional problems to their goals, which usually include happy relationships.

I had a girl's body and a boy's mind. I liked boy's toys, I liked boy's sports and I wore boys clothes. As a teenager I loved to look at girls, and later, I loved to to seduce them ... During our sessions it became obvious that I had identified with my uncle, who killed himself when I was two. It felt like he was in my body, and I, the real me, was a two year old girl who couldn't grow up. Since our coaching ... I am learning how to be a woman ... It's not as easy as it looks! Nevada

If you have identified with someone of the opposite sex, you may feel trapped in a wrong body, either all the time or following some stimulus. Some people have unconsciously identified with two people (typically parents), a fairly common situation which I generally call identity conflict.

I was told I had bipolar or multiple personality. Sometimes I felt very manly, and sometimes very feminine. It was driving me crazy. During our sessions I realized that I was trying to live both my mother's and father's lives, who divorced when I was young ... Following our sessions I am one person ... a man! London

I find that most relationship skills have little to do with sexual orientation. The same relationship skills can apply to male members of a military squad, a mixed-sex management team or to women working together. All relationships have similar challenges ... and require similar skills.

Symbiosis and Codependence

Popular Western culture seems to promote a definition of love, in songs, television and movies, as relationships in which the partners are inseparable, lost without each other, and in which each person can only feel a sense of life in the presence of the other.

Such relationships can be called symbiotic or codependent. Both may be attractive to people who have identified with someone or suffered some other form of identity loss.

Symbiotic human relationships rarely allow for flexibility or equality, and limit partners in their freedom to be themselves. Symbiotic relationships can be stable and feel very close, and the roles are often predictable and safe. For some young adults, symbiosis may seem an ideal relationship! Two common examples of symbiosis can be called rescuer-victim and caretaker-dependent.

Codependent human relationships occur when neither person feels capable or self-reliant. It sometimes seems as if two half-persons are trying to make a one complete person! A classic example is that one partner devotes huge time and energy assisting the other partner to cope with an addiction - while being terrified that the end of the addiction would indicate the end of their relationship.

I looked for someone who would fulfill my needs ... someone whose needs I could fulfill ... I found him and married him. Last year, I realized that we were both children seeking parents ... you helped me grow up. But he still acts like a lost boy ... he doesn't want to change ... he wants me to mother him. France

We help people move from codependence and symbiosis (I can't live without you) to independence (I can cope by myself) to interdependence (We can co-operate).

Love or Addiction?

For us, childish needs are not signs of healthy love. These differences between immature love and mature love may help you recognize what you really want ...

  • Healthy love is fluid and dynamic. Needy love often fears change
  • Healthy love encourages honesty. Needy love encourages secrets.
  • Healthy love is accepting the partner you have. Needy love looks for better.
  • Healthy love is gentle and comfortable. Needy love is tense and combative.
  • Healthy love is unique. There are no ideal lovers. Needy love is stereotyped.
  • Healthy love creates life and joy. Needy love creates melodrama and suffering.
  • Healthy love is making yourself happy. Needy love seeks people to make you happy.
  • Healthy love is based on the pleasure of being with a person. Needy love is based on dependence.

We also help people leave toxic relationships ... we help them rebuild their confidence and learn better communication skills. We help people set boundaries, such as distance, touch, acceptable words, honesty and intimacy.

Relationship skills are the path of love, respect and dignity.
Quality relationships require quality communication!

Online Life Coaching, Relationship Counseling & Systemic Therapy

I thought you were just another therapist - but you were not just. Not even. Not only.

Plagiarism is theft. Copyright Martyn Carruthers 2008-2018
All rights reserved

If you like our work, please link to us. If you know someone who might benefit,
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For online help, email us at:

Soulwork systemic coaching in America & Hawaii


Soulwork systemic coaching in England, Wales & Scotland

Soulwork systemic coaching in Croatia & Serbia

Soulwork systemic coaching in Poland



Have You Suffered Enough?

 Where are you now? Understand your emotions, fixations and enmeshments
What do you hope for? Know your goals and stop sabotaging yourself
Do you feel resourceful? Learn to develop your inner resources
Do emotions block you? Relationship problems and mentor damage
Do your beliefs limit you? Change limiting beliefs and end dependence
Do you feel connected? Resolve identity issues to recover lost resources
Is your partner happy? Build healthy partnership (or separate peacefully)
Are your children healthy? Happy parents better manage family problems
Do you want team success? Team leaders and their teams develop together
Do you have complex goals? Specialty coaching, counseling & therapy

Plagiarism is theft. Copyright Martyn Carruthers 1996-2018  All rights reserved. Soulwork Systemic Coaching was primarily developed by Martyn Carruthers to help people solve emotional problems and relationship conflicts to achieve their goals. These concepts and strategies are for general knowledge only. Consult a physician about medical conditions and before changing medical treatment. Don't steal intellectual property ... get permission to post, publish or teach Martyn's work - email