We offer individual
and couple counseling on solving relationship problems,
mature relationship skills and managing negative emotions.
What's wrong with me? What's wrong with them?
Are you alone or in an unsatisfactory relationship? This may
not be your choice or your desire - do you feel stuck and unable
to get what you want? You may decide that something is wrong with
you - or that something is wrong with other people - or that a
happy, mature partnership is simply not possible.
I have had many short-term
partners. You helped me understand that I loved my
own good feelings (triggered by somebody)
and not the people I was with.
Everyday sexual attraction is NOT a sign of love.
Relationship Habits & Entangled Relationships
As a child, you learned to communicate with and respond to your
family. Later you learned to communicate with neighbors,
schoolchildren and friends. You developed relationship skills -
beliefs and habits. Your relationship skills can support deep happiness
- or long-term suffering. Your perception of long-term happiness
and suffering includes your ability to recognize, show and share love.
When the happiness of
another person is essential to your own happiness.
Some relationship problems attract people - others will repel
them. Generally, you will attract people with similar entanglements.
For example, mother-bonded men predictably
attract father-bonded women and
vice versa. (This seems to be a leading cause of love at first sight.)
Do you have good friends - or not? Do you enjoy working with
your colleagues? Is your marriage or partnership wonderful - or
in trouble? Are your relationships generally good and you want
to make them better - or problematic? Our systems coaching can
help you clean up the mess - we can help you fulfill your dreams.
Who do you love?
Who accepts your love?
Who rejects it? Who returns it? Who doesn't care?
You are not alone
In a way, important people are always with you.
You can remember them, and conversations with them. In this way,
nobody is missing and nobody dies. This can be a curse and a
blessing. A curse is that you may obsess about past hurts or
fantasies. A blessing is that you can clean up your relationships
at any time - even with people are missing or dead.
Relationship distractions & abuse
Some people are skilled at distracting you. They want you to
choose short term substitutes instead of long-term joy. They may sell
products that hint at pleasure. Use this toothpaste for a better
Make your family happy with this television. Love your children
by buying this hamburger. Impress your friends by drinking this beer.
Within such toxic wastes, your love can be reduced to what you spend.
Sometimes, in our desire to be loved, we play games. We may act like
children or victims. Such games have high stakes. We gamble with our
health, our integrity and our happiness ... and we cannot ever win
Yet the games can be so intense that we forget that we are playing.
Our desire for love can decay into a desire for pity. When an adult says,
"I don't know what love is", you may wonder what happened
to intimacy, honor and integrity.
We wish to share with you some things that we have learned
about building long-term happiness. A partnership requires acceptance,
commitment, gratitude and responsibility. Partnership goals cannot be
achieved by one person working alone.
See also Single Parenting
Perception & imagination
You are unlikely to seek what you cannot perceive, nor
attempt to build what you cannot imagine. Perception has external
limits and internal rules.
You cannot examine what you will neither accept nor
acknowledge. Your beliefs and emotions influence whether you can see
what is under your nose, and whether you believe theories that you
cannot test with your senses. If you challenge your internal rules -
you cease to be normal.
Your internal rules are gifts from your parents
- friends - colleagues - partners - community - and humanity.
You accepted many of these blessings unconsciously, in a shared
subjective experience of interlinked beliefs, values and judgments.
This may be called your culture.
Family Secrets & Drama
If you share your mind, heart and body with another person,
you will find conflicts, expectations and fears. Unfulfilled
parental expectations, family secrets, suppressed emotions ... your
life tends to reflect your family's relationship drama.
Willing or not - you will probably act out your entanglements.
Our deepest relationships are often heterosexual -
between a man and a woman - and most partnerships - even
homosexual partnerships - show a
male-female balance. Within a partnership you can seek unity -
although this may scare some people, who avoid unity by
If your sense of polarity lessens,
you and your partner may become bored or distressed. You may seek
distractions or affairs - to avoid sameness or to recharge your
sexual polarity. To avoid this, men can recharge their manliness
with other men - and women can recharge their femininity with other
women. The greater the polarity - the more dynamic the unity.
Relationships & Chakras
Chakras are locations in a human body which many
people believe to have mystical properties. Complex systems of
chakras are part of many Eastern philosophies
and religions that have been adopted in the West ... see
sees your radiant potential and says,
"You can ... I believe you can" ...
you will move mountains.
Whenever you ponder relationships, emotions often emerge.
For instance, a partnership with a dominating adult might be
associated with a feeling of guilt in your abdomen,
sadness in your heart and anger in your
throat. You may feel punched in the belly,
heart broken or choked. You may be unable to
consider what you want.
Many people hope that their unpleasant
emotions will just go away.
We help people manage their negative emotions and move on.
Healthy relationships are the path and the goal
of happy lives; and lasting love requires unusual clarity. We
can help you find bridges to integrity.
Contact us to solve emotional and relationship issues
Help: Coaching, Marriage Counseling & Systemic Therapy
Plagiarism is theft. Copyright © Martyn Carruthers, 2007-2018
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