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Searching for a Soul Mate
Find a Perfect Partner Martyn Carruthers

Online Couple Coaching, Counseling & Soulwork Therapy

Are you looking for a perfect partner- for someone to make your life complete?
Are you searching for a Soul Mate? Or did you find one? Or have you lost one?

Sometimes I barbecue sacred cows ... this one seems overdue for grilling!

Many people say that they are searching for a soul mate - and some few say that they found one. Many people seem to believe that finding an ideal counterpart will automatically bring happiness and fulfillment. While a sense of integration, connection and partnership usually enhances and enriches life, some beliefs and habits can prevent or sabotage your happiness, and immaturity can truly mess things up.

Western philosophy originated in ancient Greece. Over 2000 years ago, Plato wrote that we are conceived perfect, and then split in half by the god Zeus. Plato described loneliness, a desire for lost perfection and a search for a twin soul ... sometimes called a soul mate or twin flame.

... and when one of them meets the other half, the actual half of himself, the pair are lost in an amazement of love and friendship and intimacy and one will not be out of the other's sight even for a moment ... Plato (340 BC)

Do you believe that certain people are fated to play important roles in your life? Whether this is the influence of Zeus or fate or a wheel of karma, many people seek a special person who will complete their happiness ... and feel completed by them. During a search for a soul mate, a series of potential perfect partners is often found - but each person is sooner or later rejected as inadequate.

I am seeking a soul mate. You must be single, a good communicator ... love life ... love nature ... good physical shape ... great sense of humor ... professional ... financially healthy ... and ready to adore me. Newspaper Ad, Ontario

While happy partnership is a life treasure, people seeking such a special soul mate may put their lives on hold, and judge all potential partners as not special enough. Such people often seem to be searching for missing parts of themselves, or for missing people from their past. This is not good news.

If the presence of a person triggers wonderful feelings, and the absence of that person may trigger feelings of boredom, loneliness or worse, there is a risk of falling in love with one's own good feelings - and trying to stabilize those good feelings by clinging to someone. For such people, however, finding happiness independent of that special partner can put their relationship into an immediate crisis.

Soul Mate Challenges

Many people have told me about how they searched for a soulmate. The pattern is fascinating. A person is attracted to a soul mate, but marries someone else; with a consequence that a child of that marriage tries to become the parent's missing soul mate.

A yearning to feel connected in a realistic partnership is life-enhancing, but many obsessions about soulmates seem based on teenage romances, media stars, parents or on the qualities (perhaps assumed) of a missing or dead family member - often an aborted or dead sibling, especially a vanishing twin.

I never expected to meet a soul mate ... we were both married with kids ... and our affair hurt our partners and our children. We were both crazy in love and we both acted like children. During your counseling I realized that our love affair required our immaturity. When one of us grew up - it was over. Canada

People seeking soulmates may burden their partners with often-unspoken demands to fulfill their idealized dreams. On an even darker side, people seeking a soul mate who also experiences an inner emptiness may balance their search with other compulsions - notably drug, food or alcohol abuse.

For such people, if a soulmate obsession abates, substance abuse may increase, replacing one set of compulsions with another. (Some people endlessly search for the perfect recipe, or wine, or drug, or pet, or car or computer ... doesn't it start to sound rather familiar? Good enough is not enough.)

I finally met my soul mate ... we both fell head over heels in love ... but within six months we both felt trapped ... my disappointment was beyond imagination ... I put on 50 pounds ... During my sessions with you I realized how empty my life was ...
now I am filling my life with myself.
Glasgow, Scotland

Idealized Partners

Many people who search for an idealized soul mate may be responding to guilt ("I hurt someone"), transference ("I want a partner who looks like / acts like / or replaces ..."), identity loss ("I search for missing part of me"); beliefs ("I am incomplete") or on a womb-twin ("someone important is missing").

For some people, a soul mate must look and act like some teenage love, or like a favored actor or actress, or must have enviable financial resources. Or all of the above.

My goal is to be rich and single, and my problem is that I can't
find many eligible bachelors who are dying ... it's very win-win ...
my ideal soul mate could die happy and I could live happy!

Some people have a string of affairs while waiting for the perfect partner, while others just wait and hope, often repeating something like "If it's meant to be it will happen", until they either give up - or until they decide to enjoy life rather than watch it pass by.

Idealized Parents

Some people seek a soul mate who is like a parent ... a potential soul mate must have qualities similar to a beloved parent - or - a potential soul mate must have qualities that a person wanted a parent to have. Quite often a potential soul mate is a substitute for a parent's lost lover who the parent loved intensely but did not marry.

I searched for a soul mate after my mother died ... I fell in love with a woman ... part of me was VERY happy while another part of me wanted to escape. During our sessions I realized that this woman had exactly the qualities that I very
much wished that my mother had had.
South Africa

Idealized Siblings

Many seekers of soulmates appear to seek a missing or dead family member, usually someone whose absence left a guilty hole in the family. In my experience, it seems that a child born immediately after a sibling who died of accident, neglect or abortion is most at risk. (Abortion is commonplace in many countries, and has consequences).

Dr. William Baldwin, wrote in "Spirit Releasement Therapy" that a dead twin attaches its soul to the surviving twin. Dr. Alice Rose wrote in "Coping with Eating Disabilities" that some eating disorders result from a twin dying in the womb due to competition for nourishment. Dr. Michael Newton, author of "Destiny of Souls" reports that his clients have "primary soul-mates" rather than twin souls.

Ultrasound tests show that perhaps 25% of people were once twins, but the twin disappears in the first month of pregnancy. The surviving twin may develop emotional problems, even if the mother does not know or the child is not told that a twin vanished. For more, see our solutions for womb twins.

I always felt that a wonderful woman was waiting for me ... hurting and broken. It was my
life task to find her and heal her ... I searched for damaged women that I could help.
Since my coaching, I feel more complete ... I want to be with complete people.

Healthy partnership requires maturity and mature partnership skills.
These skills will help you build a soul mate relationship.

Contact us to resolve emotional and relationship issues

Online Couple Coaching, Counseling & Therapy

I thought you were just another therapist - but you were not just. Not even. Not only.

Plagiarism is theft. Copyright Martyn Carruthers 2010-2018
All rights reserved

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Have You Suffered Enough?

 Where are you now? Understand your emotions, fixations and enmeshments
What do you hope for? Know your goals and stop sabotaging yourself
Do you feel resourceful? Learn to develop your inner resources
Do emotions block you? Relationship problems and mentor damage
Do your beliefs limit you? Change limiting beliefs and end dependence
Do you feel connected? Resolve identity issues to recover lost resources
Is your partner happy? Build healthy partnership (or separate peacefully)
Are your children healthy? Happy parents better manage family problems
Do you want team success? Team leaders and their teams develop together
Do you have complex goals? Specialty coaching, counseling & therapy

Plagiarism is theft. Copyright Martyn Carruthers 1996-2018  All rights reserved. Soulwork Systemic Coaching was primarily developed by Martyn Carruthers to help people solve emotional problems and relationship conflicts to achieve their goals. These concepts and strategies are for general knowledge only. Consult a physician about medical conditions and before changing medical treatment. Don't steal intellectual property ... get permission to post, publish or teach Martyn's work - email