Managing Emotions
People often withhold emotions that, if expressed, could
create problems within a family. Withholding emotions increases stress. Much stress is not a result of the
quantity of work, or circumstances, but from withholding emotions that may
not be expressed. Such emotions usually represent a desire to balance justice and
injustice within a family system.
The emotions that most often contribute to
stress are anger, sadness, fear and guilt. If a
person expresses these emotions - a person may act irrationally,
and damage people, objects or self. If a person suppresses these emotions,
these withheld
emotions are associated with chronic disease, heart attacks and relationship
problems. Solutions are not found at the level of the problem.
Short Term Solutions
Common solutions for controlling emotions
include distractions (TV, videos, gambling, etc), sport activities
(gym, aggressive games, jogging), psychoactive
medications (including nicotine, alcohol and caffeine) and
dissociation (self-hypnosis and suggestion). The resulting emotional
control is usually short-term, and continued use may result in obsessive
or addictive behavior. Longer term resolution of withheld
emotions requires a different type of intelligence.
Emotional Intelligence
The chaotic expression of unexpressed emotions can damage
both personal and professional lives. When unexpressed emotions are finally expressed
- they may result in criminal violence, suicide, agoraphobia,
chronic depression, split personality or nervous breakdown.
Even infinite coaching is unlikely to do more
than dissociate emotions. Long-term solutions require that
justice be perceived, and/or that underlying
systemic entanglements be diagnosed and changed.
Systemic Coaching
Systemic Coaching uses diagnostic tools to assess the
health and stability of individuals, couples, families and/or families.
Three diagnostic tools are:
- Relationship Diagnosis: assessing relationships and consequences of past relationships
- Trauma Diagnosis: assessing current consequences
of significant emotional events
- Goal Diagnosis: assessing current consequences
of future expectations and goals
Results of these diagnostic tests can be cross-checked to
ensure accuracy and relevance.
Relationship Diagnosis
To better assess and predict
relationship behavior, we use a sophisticated diagnostic tool,
a systemic matrix. A systemic matrix refers to the collective perceptions of
a relationship system, from multiple perceptual
positions. A systemic matrix allows rapid diagnosis
and changework planning.
Dissolving systemic entanglements leads to a profound
sense of peace and integrity - a sense of self, sense of family, sense of
mission and sense of life - for long periods. This sense of integrity is
available for all responsible
individuals, couples or families.
[
Psychobiology of
Integrity . Schizophrenia
. Depression ]
Systemic Entanglements
Systemic entanglements are both the cause and effect of
relationship patterns. The consequences of systemic entanglements include
conflicts, accidents, illness and death. However, only motivated and
responsible people can effectively use this information.
Parents who can recognize the following behaviors can
predict children's problems, get help early and protect a family from the
consequences of emotional chaos.
Children and irresponsible adults may only excuse,
blame, complain and justify their entangled behavior. Appropriate solutions
include therapeutic metaphors or systemic
interventions. However, most people will suffer
before they seek help. For many people, suffering is a step towards health.
Identity Loss
People in a system are alert to justice, and respond in
predictable ways to perceived injustice. Their responses will reflect
family's history and parental style, and the examples set by
older family members. A common response to injustice include short or
long-term identity loss:
-
Cannot express own life choices (Identification)
-
Cannot make decisions without deep conflict (Identity
Conflict)
-
Cannot describe, feel or express emotions
(Lost Identity)
-
Cannot change behavior (Identity Bonds)
Identifications
A member of a family may identify with
another member who is perceived as treated unjustly. Some
common identifications have predictable sets of symptoms, with a
range of severity:
- Victim identification: chronic anger,
suspicion and possibly external violence
- Displaced person identification: chronic
sadness, melancholy and possibly suicide
- Hero identification: chronic fear, anxiety
attacks and
possibly agoraphobia
- Dependent identification: chronic guilt,
self-sabotage and possibly chronic depression
People with identifications may present
seemingly unpredictable emotional outbursts, although a search for the
emotional triggers often indicates the type of identification and a method
for its resolution. In extreme cases, a person loses emotional control and
may be diagnosed as psychotic.
Identity Conflict
A person may simultaneously identify with two parents
who treat each other unjustly. We call this Identity
Conflict. A common description is "split personality". A person
with identity conflict is often untrustworthy, with behavior oscillating
between different polarities. A decision or promise made by one polarity
may be forgotten or ignored by the other.
One side of identity conflict may be
super-rational and the other immature. Attempts to dissociate
(cut off) a disliked polarity tend to increase the conflict. A person who
develops amnesia of the polarity changes may be diagnosed
with bipolar disorder or multiple personality disorder.
Lost Identity
A person may lose the ability to describe
emotions, and then to feel emotions, and later lose sense of self. We call
this Lost Identity; and a common description of the maximal case is nervous
breakdown. Most people with Lost Identity can still
function (in a robot-like manner), which may be an advantage in
situations requiring compliance and prompt obedience.
Identity Bonds
People who stay in a relationship or family system despite
having good reasons to leave are often emotionally bonded. Typical identity
bonds manifest as helplessness and hopelessness - with beliefs such as
"I must do as I am told" or "I
cannot leave". This behavior is typical in people who dislike their
family or
despise their work or a relationship, yet cling to it. See
Exit Coaching
Soulwork Systemic Coaching
Systemic Coaching can provide prompt relief and,
if actualized as relationship changes, lasting benefit for those people
who want to participate in healthy relationships. It provides insights into how people integrate and express
justice, love and bonding contributes to the life journeys of individuals
and to the survival of families. These insights provide and increase
a profound sense of justice and dignity, kindness and compassion, humility
and connectedness.
Relationship Coaching ...
Systemic Coach Training
Copyright © 2001-2003 by Martyn
Carruthers. All rights reserved. |
