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Solutions for Stress
Anger, Fear, Injustice and Overwork © Martyn Carruthers

Online Coaching, Counseling & Soulwork Therapy

Do you want to resolve emotional and relationship issues quickly?

Are you Stressed?

Stress is a fact of life. Deal with stress - or you deal with its consequences. Effective solutions for stress include supportive relationships, good planning, regular exercise and a healthy diet. But some quick fixes are worse than the problems - many people take drugs to try to solve the stress of unhealthy relationships.

Stress-reduction workshops are useful for assessing stress and providing information about relaxation techniques. However, after a few weeks, most people stop using the information; and in less than three months, it is mostly ignored or nearly forgotten.

We help people enjoy long-term stress relief, by helping people enjoy a period of emotional stability in which they can manage or plan to manage stressful issues.

Resolve Negative Emotions

Many people withhold emotions that, if expressed, would create problems. But withholding emotions, even pleasant ones, usually increases stress. Most stress is not a result of work or circumstances, but of withheld emotions.

The emotions that seem to most often contribute to stress are anger, sadness, anxiety and guilt, although hiding happiness or affection can also be stressful. People who feel strong emotions may act irrationally and some will hurt themselves or other people, or damage things. Suppressed emotions are often associated with disease symptoms, heart attacks, obsessions, compulsions and relationship problems.

Short Term Solutions for Emotional Stress

Commonly used solutions for controlling emotions include distractions (TV, videos, gambling, etc), sports (gym, aggressive games, jogging), medications (including nicotine, alcohol and caffeine) and dissociation. Such emotional control is short-term, and continued use may result in obsessive behavior. Longer term resolution requires a different type of intelligence.

Emotional Intelligence and Stress

Negative emotions can damage both personal and professional lives. When the emotions are finally expressed - the results can include violence, suicide, depression or nervous breakdown. Long-term solutions require that underlying systemic entanglements be diagnosed and changed.

Coaching after Stress

Common Consequences of Severe Stress

  • Hyper vigilance
  • Sleeping difficulties
  • Fear or panic attacks
  • Avoids similar situations
  • Irritability and angry outbursts
  • Lack of focus or concentration
  • Flashbacks - disturbing memories
  • Distressing dreams or nightmares

We assess relationship health and emotional stability of individuals, couples, families and/or families. Three of our most-used diagnostic tools are:

  1. Goal Diagnosis: assessing future expectations and resistance
  2. Trauma Diagnosis: assessing consequences of significant emotional events
  3. Relationship Diagnosis: assessing relationships and consequences of past relationships

We cross-check the results of these diagnostic tests to ensure accuracy and relevance.

Relationship Diagnosis

To better assess and predict relationship behavior, we use a diagnostic tool which assesses the collective perceptions of a relationship system, from multiple perceptual positions, over time. Our systemic matrix allows rapid diagnosis of relationship issues and greatly assists creating a realistic timeline for desired changes.

Dissolving relationship problems leads to a profound sense of peace and integrity - a sense of self, sense of family, sense of mission and sense of life - for extended periods. This sense of integrity or Soul is available to all responsible people.

Psychobiology of Integrity . Depression . Adjustment Disorders

Relationship Entanglements

Systemic entanglements are both the cause and effect of relationship problems. The consequences of entanglements include conflicts, accidents, illness and death. We help responsible people to change their relationship entanglements.

Immature adults may only excuse, blame, complain and justify their entangled behavior. However, most people will suffer before they seek help. For many people, suffering is a step towards health.

Parents who recognize the symptoms of identity loss can predict problems, get help early and protect their families from the consequences of relationship problems.

Identity Loss

Most people are alert to justice, and respond in predictable ways to perceived injustice. Their responses will reflect their family's history, and the examples set by family members. A common response to injustice includes identity loss:

  1. Cannot change behavior (Identity Bonds)
  2. Cannot express own life choices (Identification)
  3. Cannot describe or express emotions (Lost Identity)
  4. Cannot make decisions without conflict (Identity Conflict)

1. Identifications & Injustice in Systems

A family member may identify with another family member who was perceived as being treated unjustly (by the family). This common identification has a few predictable sets of symptoms, each with a range of severity:

  • Identification with a Hero: fear, anxiety and possibly agoraphobia
  • Identification with a Victim: anger, suspicion and possibly violence
  • Identification with a Dead Person: sadness, melancholy and possibly suicide
  • Identification with a Dependent: guilt, self-sabotage and possibly depression

People with identifications may present seemingly unpredictable emotional outbursts, although a search for the emotional triggers often indicates the type of identification and a systemic solution.

2. Identity Conflict

A person simultaneously identifies with two people, we call this Identity Conflict. A more common description is split personality. The behavior of a person with identity conflict often oscillates between two polarities. A decision or promise made in one polarity may be forgotten, ignored or disdained by the other.

Attempts to dissociate (cut off) a disliked polarity tends to increase a minor conflict into conflicting obsessions.

3. Lost Identity

Some people lose the ability to describe emotions, and later to feel emotions. While dissociation describes short-term cases, we refer to long-term cases as Lost Identity. Other terms sometimes used to describe severe cases are nervous breakdown and mental breakdown.

Most people with Lost Identity can function although perhaps somewhat robot-like, which may be an advantage in situations requiring compliance and obedience. (Military training often produces identity loss as it develops compliant and obedient killers.)

4. Relationship Bonds

People in unhealthy relationship systems are often emotionally bonded to each other. Some unpleasant bonds manifest as codependence, including helplessness or hopelessness - with limiting beliefs such as "I cannot leave". This is typical in people who dislike certain relationships, yet feel that they cannot leave. See Exit Coaching

Our sessions helped me find myself again. The more I could appreciate dignity, justice and compassion, the more my partner and children seemed
to become kinder and more tolerant.

Contact us to resolve emotional and relationship issues

Online Coaching, Relationship Counseling & Systemic Therapy

I thought you were just another therapist - but you were not just. Not even. Not only.

Plagiarism is theft. Copyright © 2001-2018
by Martyn Carruthers. All rights reserved.

If you like our work, please link to us. If you know someone who might benefit,
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For online help, email us at:

Soulwork systemic coaching in America & Hawaii


Soulwork systemic coaching in England, Wales & Scotland

Soulwork systemic coaching in Croatia & Serbia

Soulwork systemic coaching in Poland



Have You Suffered Enough?

 Where are you now? Understand your emotions, fixations and enmeshments
What do you hope for? Know your goals and stop sabotaging yourself
Do you feel resourceful? Learn to develop your inner resources
Do emotions block you? Relationship problems and mentor damage
Do your beliefs limit you? Change limiting beliefs and end dependence
Do you feel connected? Resolve identity issues to recover lost resources
Is your partner happy? Build healthy partnership (or separate peacefully)
Are your children healthy? Happy parents better manage family problems
Do you want team success? Team leaders and their teams develop together
Do you have complex goals? Specialty coaching, counseling & therapy

Plagiarism is theft. Copyright © Martyn Carruthers 1996-2018  All rights reserved. Soulwork Systemic Coaching was primarily developed by Martyn Carruthers to help people solve emotional problems and relationship conflicts to achieve their goals. These concepts and strategies are for general knowledge only. Consult a physician about medical conditions and before changing medical treatment. Don't steal intellectual property ... get permission to post, publish or teach Martyn's work - email