Contact us to solve emotional and relationship problems
Aggressive . Mother's Boys
Violent and Abusive Men
Abusers seek people who they can control. Abusive
behavior often crosses generations ... abused boys are more likely to
become abusive men; and boys who hurt animals are more likely to become
men who hurt women.
These questions can help you quickly recognize a violent and
abusive man ...
- History - Was he abused himself? Did he abuse animals
and/or other children and/or women?
- Mood Swings – Does he shift from aggressive-abusive to
apologetic-victim (after he has expressed his anger)?
- Possessive – Is he jealous of your family and
friends? Does he try to isolate you? Does he demand to know
where you’ve been and with whom? Do you feel like a person or
- Manipulator – Does he say that he abuses you for
your own good? Is it always your fault? Does he say that he can’t
help being abusive? Does he say that he wants you to try to “help” him.
- Superior – Must he be right or be in charge? Does
he feel better if he criticizes or blames people? Does he makes
you feel weak so that he can feel more powerful?
- Conflicts – Does he often forget his word or break his
promises? Does he say that he loves you but then abuses you?
- Control – Does he demand to be the center of your life?
Is he angry if you show signs of independence or
strength? Does he tell people that you are unstable?
- Critical – Does he withhold intimacy or become silent
as punishment? Does he verbally abuse and criticize you?
- Disrespects Women – Does he show respect towards
any woman? Does he consider women to be basically worthless, stupid and
- Avoids Help – Does he claim that there is nothing
wrong with him? Does he avoid acknowledging his faults or
blame them on his parents?
It is easy to blame and punish schoolyard bullies and other children who seem
to want to fight. But, as usual, it is not their fault. These children are doing
their best to survive in a crazy-making world which may lack mature role models
and emotional education. Boys often find immature role models in tough men.
Some teenage boys become fascinated with body-building, idolizing actors
like Sylvester Stallone or Arnold Schwarzenegger. They may seek tough gang leaders or
military sergeants to emulate and compete with.
My father was a boxing champion in
the army. He gave me my first boxing gloves when I was six. My mother
hated this violent side of my father. Looking back, if I had become a fighter,
I would have 'lost' contact with my mother. Instead I 'lost' contact with my father -
I was a sissy in his eyes. He called me a
Mother's Boy - and much worse. Wales
Some young men never grow out of their teenage fantasies.
Tough boys often gravitate to armed gangs or the armed forces, becoming the
next generation of role models for disenfranchised male children.
The tough boys who become violent men may become firmly stuck
in their roles. They generally strive for respect, egocentric power
and instant gratification. They may dislike, avoid or take advantage of anything
that looks like weakness.
I have been violent since I was a boy.
It was the only way my father would respect me. I have hurt many people
including my wife and children. I didn't want to hurt them, but something
in me despises weakness. I need help before I beat up anybody else
I don't want to go back to prison. New Mexico
Later in life, when a tough-teenager life makes no sense,
men may search religion, philosophy and spirituality seeking sense. They are searching for their missing selves. We
have helped many
people find themselves during our online sessions.
My father was tough and so was I. I
joined the army and later worked making steel. I never gave life much
thought until I retired. But by then my life was empty. My son coaxed me to
take a few coaching sessions with you ... and I found myself. I cried for
the first time since I was a boy. How did I get to be so old?
We help people remember what they really want and who
they really are. We help people recover lost sides or parts of
themselves ... and become more integrated.
The transcript Resolving
Complex Conflict is about helping a man explore his conflict about
whether or not to smoke cigarettes. During that session, we uncovered a
predictable hierarchy of conflicts. Here is a piece of that transcript
Transcript from a Seminar on Complex Conflict
Martyn: Imagine you are a child between two parents
who are in conflict with each other. Imagine you are three years old. Imagine
that right now you have giants on each side of you. How does that feel?
A child in this situations may feel physically or mentally sick.
It's common. And to save itself, the child may create two masks: one for
each parent. If the child can make and change
masks quickly, it is like magic, the giants may both relax.
Now the child can be healthy, partly because of excellence
in mask-making. Creating and using masks helps
a young child survive whose parents don't know how to fight fair.
For example, a boy child may try to be
Mother's Little Prince with Mother and Daddy's Tough Boy with Father.
Then, both parents may relax. The masks are compensation for a real child
who cannot express himself. Many girls may seem to develop a similar inner
conflict between Daddy's Little Princess
and Mother's Helper.
These masks help a child survive until puberty, when most
people become biologically available for partnership. During adolescence,
one of the parts may split again and create a conflict about behavior.
A Behavioral Conflict based on a Values Conflict based
on an Identity Conflict. But who is the mask-maker?
Where is the "real" child?
We help people find and recover their true selves.
Angry and violent men are not easy people to
coach or work with,
although they are often highly motivated to respect themselves.
We help them replace anger with self-respect.
Do you want to resolve emotional and relationship problems?
Online Coaching, Counseling & Training
I thought you were just
another therapist - but you were not just. Not even. Not only.
Plagiarism is theft. Copyright © Martyn Carruthers
All rights reserved.