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Solutions for Tough Boys & Violent Men
Protect Yourself from Abuse © Martyn Carruthers

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Contact us to solve emotional and relationship problems

Passive Aggressive . Mother's Boys

Violent and Abusive Men

Abusers seek people who they can control. Abusive behavior often crosses generations ... abused boys are more likely to become abusive men; and boys who hurt animals are more likely to become men who hurt women.

These questions can help you quickly recognize a violent and abusive man ...

  1. History - Was he abused himself? Did he abuse animals and/or other children and/or women?
  2. Mood Swings – Does he shift from aggressive-abusive to apologetic-victim (after he has expressed his anger)?
  3. Possessive – Is he jealous of your family and friends? Does he try to isolate you? Does he demand to know where you’ve been and with whom? Do you feel like  a person or property?
  4. Manipulator – Does he say that he abuses you for your own good? Is it always your fault? Does he say that he can’t help being abusive? Does he say that he wants you to try to “help” him.
  5. Superior – Must he be right or be in charge? Does he feel better if he criticizes or blames people? Does he makes you feel weak so that he can feel more powerful?
  6. Conflicts – Does he often forget his word or break his promises? Does he say that he loves you but then abuses you?
  7. Control – Does he demand to be the center of your life? Is he angry if you show signs of independence or strength? Does he tell people that you are unstable?
  8. Critical – Does he withhold intimacy or become silent as punishment? Does he verbally abuse and criticize you?
  9. Disrespects Women – Does he show respect towards any woman? Does he consider women to be basically worthless, stupid and gullible?
  10. Avoids Help – Does he claim that there is nothing wrong with him? Does he avoid acknowledging his faults or blame them on his parents?

Tough Boys

It is easy to blame and punish schoolyard bullies and other children who seem to want to fight. But, as usual, it is not their fault. These children are doing their best to survive in a crazy-making world which may lack mature role models and emotional education. Boys often find immature role models in tough men.

Some teenage boys become fascinated with body-building, idolizing actors like Sylvester Stallone or Arnold Schwarzenegger. They may seek tough gang leaders or military sergeants to emulate and compete with.

My father was a boxing champion in the army. He gave me my first boxing gloves when I was six. My mother hated this violent side of my father. Looking back, if I had become a fighter, I would have 'lost' contact with my mother. Instead I 'lost' contact with my father - I was a sissy in his eyes. He called me a Mother's Boy - and much worse. Wales

Some young men never grow out of their teenage fantasies. Tough boys often gravitate to armed gangs or the armed forces, becoming the next generation of role models for disenfranchised male children.

The tough boys who become violent men may become firmly stuck in their roles. They generally strive for respect, egocentric power and instant gratification. They may dislike, avoid or take advantage of anything that looks like weakness.

I have been violent since I was a boy. It was the only way my father would respect me. I have hurt many people including my wife and children. I didn't want to hurt them, but something in me despises weakness. I need help before I beat up anybody else ...
I don't want to go back to prison.
New Mexico

Later in life, when a tough-teenager life makes no sense, men may search religion, philosophy and spirituality seeking sense. They are searching for their missing selves. We have helped many people find themselves during our online sessions.

My father was tough and so was I. I joined the army and later worked making steel. I never gave life much thought until I retired. But by then my life was empty. My son coaxed me to take a few coaching sessions with you ... and I found myself. I cried for the first time since I was a boy. How did I get to be so old? Scotland

We help people remember what they really want and who they really are. We help people recover lost sides or parts of themselves ... and become more integrated.

The transcript Resolving Complex Conflict is about helping a man explore his conflict about whether or not to smoke cigarettes. During that session, we uncovered a predictable hierarchy of conflicts. Here is a piece of that transcript ...

Transcript from a Seminar on Complex Conflict

Martyn: Imagine you are a child between two parents who are in conflict with each other. Imagine you are three years old. Imagine that right now you have giants on each side of you. How does that feel?

A child in this situations may feel physically or mentally sick. It's common. And to save itself, the child may create two masks: one for each parent. If the child can make and change masks quickly, it is like magic, the giants may both relax.

Now the child can be healthy, partly because of excellence in mask-making. Creating and using masks helps a young child survive whose parents don't know how to fight fair.

For example, a boy child may try to be Mother's Little Prince with Mother and Daddy's Tough Boy with Father. Then, both parents may relax. The masks are compensation for a real child who cannot express himself. Many girls may seem to develop a similar inner conflict between Daddy's Little Princess and Mother's Helper.

These masks help a child survive until puberty, when most people become biologically available for partnership. During adolescence, one of the parts may split again and create a conflict about behavior.

A Behavioral Conflict based on a Values Conflict based on an Identity Conflict. But who is the mask-maker? Where is the "real" child?
We help people find and recover their true selves.

Angry and violent men are not easy people to coach or work with,
although they are often highly motivated to respect themselves.
We help them replace anger with self-respect.

Do you want to resolve emotional and relationship problems?

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I thought you were just another therapist - but you were not just. Not even. Not only.

Plagiarism is theft. Copyright © Martyn Carruthers 2006-2018
All rights reserved.

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Have You Suffered Enough?

 Where are you now? Understand your emotions, fixations and enmeshments
What do you hope for? Know your goals and stop sabotaging yourself
Do you feel resourceful? Learn to develop your inner resources
Do emotions block you? Relationship problems and mentor damage
Do your beliefs limit you? Change limiting beliefs and end dependence
Do you feel connected? Resolve identity issues to recover lost resources
Is your partner happy? Build healthy partnership (or separate peacefully)
Are your children healthy? Happy parents better manage family problems
Do you want team success? Team leaders and their teams develop together
Do you have complex goals? Specialty coaching, counseling & therapy

Plagiarism is theft. Copyright © Martyn Carruthers 1996-2018  All rights reserved. Soulwork Systemic Coaching was primarily developed by Martyn Carruthers to help people solve emotional problems and relationship conflicts to achieve their goals. These concepts and strategies are for general knowledge only. Consult a physician about medical conditions and before changing medical treatment. Don't steal intellectual property ... get permission to post, publish or teach Martyn's work - email