TRAINING  &  COACHING  for  MANAGERS & LEADERS

Case Histories

Resolving Complex Conflict

© Martyn Carruthers, 2002
Recorded and transcribed by Ana Pejcinova, PhD

Transcript

This transcript by Martyn Carruthers (founder of Soulwork Systemic Coaching) was recorded during a demonstration of goal-diagnosis and the first steps for coaching people with identity loss. Systemic coaching can be used to coach people to make complex decisions.

1. This transcript is part of a longer and more complex coaching strategy. This is not a complete resolution, it explores conflict diagnosis and possible steps to resolution.
2. Martyn often interrupts demonstrations to give the demonstration subjects time to integrate what they discover; and to give a class insights into complex strategies and non-verbal cues.
3. If you try to apply the coaching steps with your own conflicts, do so carefully and gently. Give yourself time to ponder and integrate what you find. Make haste slowly!
4. If you follow Martyn's strategy with your own conflict; and you experience strong or overwhelming emotions, please find professional assistance. A Soulwork Coach can coach you through complex conflict, identity loss, recovery and integration.
5. If you follow this strategy with your own conflict; avoid making important life decisions unless you feel certain that your emotions are stable.
6. This systemic diagnostic strategy can be applied to people diagnosed with bipolar disorder, although Soulwork coaching with people who need psychoactive medication should be repeated when the psychoactive drugs are reduced or discontinued.
7. The complete, long-term dissolution of complex conflict using Soulwork Systemic Coaching requires about 6-12 hours (including resolving the trauma in which the conflict was created). This time depends on a client's motivation, age and relationships.

For training or private sessions, email us

The demonstration person, Jan, is a businessman. He and Martyn briefly discussed his major conflict (a boom-bust cycle of success and failure in his many businesses). They agree to explore a lesser conflict about smoking for a demonstration.

Transcript

Martyn: [To class] I ask that you all remain silent. I will ask Jan some goal questions and we will explore what he hopes to achieve. Jan and I just discussed his general situation, and I suspect a complex conflict.

Normally I would start by saying something like; [To Jan] Hello Jan, it is an interesting day today, the weather is changing, and maybe you can change too. Thank you for volunteering. What would be wonderful for you to achieve or to change in this demonstration?

Jan: I have an issue with smoking: [leans forward, uses his right hand to point right and then left in front of him] one part of me wants to smoke, and another does not want to, absolutely not [coughs].

Martyn: [To class] This is normal - Jan did not answer the goal question. Few people can say what they want, which is the focus of Soulwork 2 training. What did you notice about Jan's movements? Jan says that part of him wants to smoke, and part of him wants to quit smoking. Addictions typically involves of identity loss. Notice Jan's physiology when he considers what he wants.

Martyn: [To Jan] Tell us again, Jan! Which is which?

Jan: [unconsciously repeats body movements]: Smoking [points to right front]. Not smoking [points to left front].

Martyn: [To class] Imagine that you can hallucinate the space around Jan, imagine that you can see his two motivations, one on each side in front of him. Let's explore this.

Martyn: [To Jan] By the way Jan, where would your father appear, when you want to smoke? [This refers to Soulwork 1, a training which focuses on relationship diagnosis in family systems]

[Jan gazes right and then points to his right side]

Martyn: And mother?

[Jan gazes left and then points to his left side]

Martyn: [To class] This is an indication that Jan's conflict about smoking might be parent related. Do you remember the family matrix positions? Jan gestures to the left about "Stop smoking" and to his right about "Smoking". Normally father is to the right, and mother to the left  - so perhaps it's a parental conflict that Jan has carried into his own life. That's just a guess ... let's find out more.

Martyn: [To Jan] Did your parents smoke?

Jan: Mother never smoked.

Martyn: And father?

Jan: [looks surprised] All his life!

Martyn: Thanks Jan. [To class] Do you see how a conflict can overlap with family matrix work. Jan may have a deeper conflict, something like: "Do I honor my father and annoy my mother, or do I act like my mother and irritate my father?" You may be able to sense a systemic aspect of this conflict. Let's get more information!

Martyn: [To Jan] Do you really want to quit smoking?

Jan: [opens his eyes wide, looks around, at the floor, to the left, to the right, lifts his left hand slightly and opens his mouth but says nothing and looks at Martyn] [Laughter in class]

Martyn: [To class] Remember that moment - that is what conflict physiology looks like!

Jan: As I said, one part of me wants to, another part of me doesn't. I want to.

Martyn: To stop, or to smoke?

Jan: [louder voice] To stop!

Martyn: Can you imagine "future Jan" in a smoke-free zone?

Jan: [voice becomes high-pitched - like choking] I can.

Martyn: Really? Where?

Jan: He's in a fog.

Martyn: How far away is future Jan's fog?

Jan: Not far! Two steps.

Martyn: What would be on the first step, do you think?

Jan: [Gazes about one meter in front of him] Making the decision...

Martyn: And the first step is here? [Points one meter in front of Jan]

Jan: Yes.

Martyn: And the second step?

Jan: There. [points about two 2 meters in front]

Martyn: Excellent. What might be on the second step?

Jan: Freedom.

Martyn: Great. And if the first step is here [points one meter in front of Jan], maybe that's where you make a decision. That seems like quite a big elephant, so let's check. [Martyn often refers to an elephant metaphor, "How do you swallow an elephant?"] Can you make this decision easily, or ... ?"

Jan: Not so easy.

Martyn: Maybe there are little steps before you make a decision? What do you think would be the first step toward making a decision?

Jan: On the first step [left foot jerks] I need more motivation [gestures with right hand].

Martyn: Thanks Jan [To class] Did you notice Jan's body when he talked about finding more motivation? First he moved his left foot - that's the side that doesn't want to smoke. And then he moves his right hand and says "I need more motivation" and that's the side that wants to smoke. Who knows what that means? - I'm saying what I see Jan do, for you people who are too busy writing notes to watch this carefully ...

Martyn: [To Jan] Where could you find more motivation? Do you need to see somebody die of lung cancer? Maybe something else?

Jan: [sighs, lowers voice tone] Exercises.

Martyn: What exercises would you like to do instead of smoking?

Jan: [left foot jerks as right side relaxes, then overall posture drops] Tai Chi.

Martyn: Thanks [To class] Look at Jan's physiology! Do his left side and the right side give the same message? The right side seems to show "Let's stay on this stool," while the left side may show "Come on, let's leave!" When does Jan's motivation drop?

Martyn: [To Jan] How do you feel when you smoke, Jan?

Jan: Physically not very well, and mentally not good too, if I'm with someone who doesn't smoke.

Martyn: So when you smoke you do not feel so good. How do you feel when you don't smoke?

Jan: When I smoke, I start to control myself, that for other people it may not be alright, they give me negative feedback, so I control myself  [Nonsense bipolar sentences are common for people with complex conflict.]

Martyn: Of course. What happens when you stop smoking?

Jan: I'm more relaxed.

Find One Side of Conflict: Part 1

Martyn: What motivates you to smoke?

Jan: It is like the deepest need of my organism.

Martyn: On which side is this deepest need of your organism?

Jan: It is on my right.

Martyn: Good, Jan, imagine you can hallucinate on your right side this deepest need of your organism for smoking. What would it look like?

Jan: Like a clown.

Martyn: A big clown? A little clown?

Jan: A big one.

Martyn: And what would the big clown say to you?

Jan: He says, "Let's have fun!"

Martyn: Great, perhaps the big clown motivates you to enjoy life with him?

Jan: [nods his head with a smile]

Explore Other Side of Conflict: Part 2

Martyn: Now we know what part motivates you to want to smoke. And, on the other side, what is the motivation to not smoke? What would it look like?

Jan: Like a very beautiful, white birch tree.

Martyn: Great. And is that birch big or little?

Jan: Quite big.

Martyn: How do you feel when you look at this white birch?

Jan: Super!

Martyn: Take a moment to look at them both together: the clown on your right, and the white birch on your left: two different ways to enjoy life. It is sad that they cannot work together. Imagine you can have all of the fun of the clown, and the peaceful beauty of the white birch tree. What would your life be like, if these two sides of you could find a way to work together?

Explore Integration of Parts 1 and 2

Jan: I would feel totally resourceful, open and joyful.

Martyn: Is that how you would like to live your life?

Jan: I think so... [relaxes and gazes into space]

Martyn: Thank you, Jan. We will come back to this. I'll talk to the class for a minute.

Martyn: [to class] Sorting out Identity Conflict can seem complex, so I'll break it into steps. On one side Jan [points to Jan's right] finds motivation to smoke, and on the other side of him [points to Jan's left] is motivation to not smoke, and Jan's living with this double motivation. He can feel good when he smokes, and he can feel good when he doesn't smoke. But there's conflict between the motivations. You could call the clown a "personality side" of Jan, you can call it a "part" of Jan. Maybe it represents Jan's father, we don't know yet. Then Jan describes the qualities of the white birch tree on the left. As Jan looks at his representation of his future, he sees fog between him and the future he wants to live.

In a conflict you can probably find two conscious parts quite quickly, two conscious motivations towards two conflicting behaviors. Often a person likes the one side and dislikes the other: [opens one palm, as if holding a "part" and speaks with an enthusiastic voice] "This is the side of me that wants me to be healthy, [opens the other palm with the other "part" and speaks with a disgusted voice] and this is the side of me that makes me eat cake." Many people may tell you, "I want you to help me control or get rid of a horrible side of me!"

For example, imagine that I am your client and I'm talking to you directly: I say to you "I have a horrible part of me that makes me do a horrible thing, and I want you to help me kill it and cut it out and throw it away." What's your next step?

Student: "What are the benefits of the horrible part?"

Martyn: Yes! [acts client] Benefits? What do you mean by benefits? I can't stop X, but - I hate that part of me! There can be no benefits from doing it, it's killing me, it's antisocial.

Student: Not benefits from doing it, but benefits from killing that part.

Martyn: Good question. [acts as a client] If you cut it away, I could forget about it entirely... [to student] What would be your next step?

Student: What does this part want to say to you?

Martyn: Good! [acts as a client] "Eugh! It wants me to be sick. I don't like it!"

Often a client will like only one part [acts client]: "There's a beautiful part of me that wants me to be happy, and there's a horrible side of me that makes me miserable." Or "I want to live and I hate the part of me that has cancer," Or "I want peace and there is a horrible side that makes me angry,? Or "I dream of harmony but I have an aggressive side that destroys my relationships."

Generally, making friends with a liked side is easy; it may only take a minute. You can say, "Great that you have such beautiful motivation, this beautiful motivation may be your good friend". You see the person smile and relax - and then say "And let's explore this side that you did not like..."

This is one of the benefits of Soulwork that you can give to your clients. In my opinion, it is a large part of what a client pays you for. You can make friends with parts of a client that the client does not like. And then you can introduce that "part" to the client in a friendly way.

An example: Teresa has a female client who was diagnosed as psychotic. We disagree with the diagnosis ... or maybe we don't understand what "psychotic" means to a psychiatrist. For us, this woman seems to have a part that is frightened, and she hates this feeling of fear. For two hours all we did was to make friends with her fear. At the start, her fear was 6 meters away and she felt extremely frightened, and after two hours her fear was 2 meters away and she felt protected. Now she can talk about her fears without horrible symptoms. In severe cases it may take hours to open the possibility of accepting some "part" that is connected to overwhelming emotions that a client doesn't like.

(February 2004: Teresa's client is now a healthy woman who does not require medication - see schizophrenia)

A conflict has at least two parts. Find out what is the part the person likes the least, and make a project of making friends with that least-liked part. Keep rapport with this part and justify its values every few minutes. For example, with that woman I just mentioned who is diagnosed as psychotic, a primary value of that fear was protection. So I could talk about how wonderful it is to have a strong, protective part each time that she started expressing her "fear" physiology.

Jan [sighs and starts looking around]

For example, [To Jan] would you like to continue researching your conflict?

Jan [smiles and nods]

Jan, on your right side of you there was a motivation to smoke, a clown, and on the left side there was motivation to be healthy, a beautiful white birch. I wonder what the clown would say about the white birch tree?

Jan: That it is beautiful.

Martyn: If the birch tree could talk; what would the birch say about the clown?

Jan: That it is so jovial.

Martyn: What does the clown have? What can the birch learn from the clown about life?

Jan: That it is possible to live life with joy, that life means joy.

Martyn: Can you ask the tree, would it like that the clown teaches it about the joy of life?

Jan: It does, and in the same time it knows that it is important to find all joy of life.

Martyn: Wise tree! And in the opinion of the birch, what does the clown need to learn from the birch about life?

Jan: That it is not necessary to be a clown all the time in life - it is enough to be a clown for performances only.

Part 3 becomes Conscious

Martyn: Great. [To class] Note Jan's physiology is now symmetrical. At this moment I see no sign of conflict. Jan can appreciate a clown side of him that likes to have fun, and he can appreciate a birch side of him that likes to live peacefully. A question may be: how can Jan maintain this state through life challenges? Notice what happens when we explore integration.

[To Jan] Imagine you can live your life with the beautiful white birch and the clown together inside you, so that on every step you take, you can feel the harmony of the birch and the joy of the clown. What would it be like to live your life like that, Jan?

Jan: Super ... it feels ... wonderful [Part 3]

Martyn: Imagine you can take a step into the future, and live your life in harmony, peace and fun. Maybe it could be wonderful to live with no problem, no objections.

Part 4 becomes Conscious

Jan: [flat voice and tiny movements of hands, shoulders and head] In such a life there would be no obstacles.

Martyn: [To class] Look at Jan, his body started a series of slight movements, so it seems that another objection might soon be conscious. Maybe I'm wrong; maybe there is no objection. [Saying that is provocation for Jan]

[To Jan] Maybe you could make this change, and it would be perfect for you without any problems.

Jan: Yes. [with weaker and weaker voice] Let's do it.

Martyn: Super! [To class] On Soulwork 2 training you learned how to deal with Yes, but and Yes/No objections. First - offer overwhelming encouragement.

[To Jan] Jan, I would be happy to help you make this wonderful step into your future.

[Jan smiles]

[To class] If that does not make a non-verbal objection conscious, then ask for possible objections.

[To Jan] Is there something that could stop you in living this peaceful joy? [Jan rests his chin on his right hand and raises his left hand]

[To class] Notice that Jan immediately becomes asymmetrical, something is emerging: he's signaling with his left hand.

Jan: I think I'd get sick.

Martyn: This is important: how do we find the fourth part? A part (part 1) wants to quit smoking, another part (part 2) wants to smoke. The third part is some sort of integration of those two let's call it "peaceful life" (part 3) for now. As Jan starts to consider "peaceful life", a fourth part is experienced that objects to "peaceful life" (part 3). Remember - this fourth part was latent, in a fog, until Jan considered this possibility.

Now Jan is saying: "Wow, this is wonderful! It's really what I want in life." And this part of Jan objects, saying "Hey, wait! Stop!!!" This fourth part had nothing to say earlier, because peace and joy were in conflict, and "peaceful life" could not be considered. Now that there is a possibility of this basic conflict being integrated, and "peaceful life" becoming real, a part that was unconscious wakes up and maybe says "Hey, wait! That conflict has an important purpose!"

[To Jan] Think about this side of you that maybe would get you sick. Where would this part be?

Jan: In my body.

Martyn: Where in your body? Take your time.

[Jan shows signs of trance]

Martyn [To class] This fourth part does not wake up unless the surface conflict may be dissolved ... maybe this surface conflict is important and should not be lost ...

There is a NLP technique called Visual Squash: we could have one part fully on this side [holds a "part" in one hand] and one part fully on this side [holds a conflicting "part" in the other hand], and then with hypnotic language, [Martyn emphasizes to the class don't do this], Jan could squash these two parts together. And then we would use post-hypnotic double-binds to keep those two parts together.

[To Jan] So what would be the result if you squash these two parts together?

Jan: [enthusiastic tonality] Good!

Martyn: And this part here, the fourth part, what would it say if these two parts are squashed together?

Jan: [pause] I'd feel that I have no power; umm [pause] I don't want to do that squash.

Martyn: However, if I am convinced that it's good for you, maybe I'll grab your hands and I'll SQUASH them together physically. If you are in trance, it would take a lot of composure to resist my suggestion. What would this fourth part say then?

Jan: That it should not work this way, that it is not right.

Martyn: What would happen?

Jan: [neck and chest tighten] I'd choke.

Martyn: [To group] Fortunately, most people seem to be healthy enough to unsquash or dis-integrate such hypnotic commands, and in a few days or weeks, they recreate their conflict. Then their conscious mind says, "Ha! It didn't work!" Therapists often call these people "resistant clients"! But the people who are not healthy enough to untangle the conflicting parts - obedient clients - may feel weaker or become physically ill. Although I am rather well trained in NLP, I discourage the use of many NLP techniques. (More on NLP Techniques & Ecology)

[To Jan] So, imagine that you can see this fourth part of you, Jan, the part of you that wants you to have harmony and joy apart, in conflict. Imagine that you can see this fourth part of you that has been sleeping until this moment. Maybe now it is watching carefully what is happening about this conflict. Maybe ask this part, "What does it gain by keeping this conflict?" Something so important that if you don't do it, it will make you sick.

Jan: This part says that I can be friendly to both people who smoke and to people who don't.

Martyn: Super - does this part want you to be friendly with people?

Jan: Yes [gestures with right hand to Father position]

Martyn: Whom especially does this part want you to be friendly with?

Jan: With my family [gestures with right hand to Father position]

Martyn: Maybe this part thinks that if you would stop smoking and live joyfully and peacefully, something not good will happen with your family?

[To class] Notice that every time Jan speaks about this fourth part, he uses his right hand and not his left. Remember who stood there earlier.

[To Jan] And imagine that you can see this part of you, Jan, what would it look like?

Jan: Like a Chinese scroll.

Martyn: Maybe thank this Chinese scroll for its wisdom: it wants you to have good relationships with your family. Maybe, in the opinion of this part, if you live joyfully and peacefully, you might lose connection with your family. What do you think?

Jan: This part says that these things, smoking and contact with family, do not depend on each other.

Martyn: Good. So focus on this Chinese scroll, and also keep your attention on the other two parts, the birch and the clown helping each other. What would the fatherly Chinese scroll like to read to the birch and the clown together?

Jan: That everything possible, everything that they may want to reach, lies inside this person. [points with his right hand to his own chest]

Martyn: Excellent! And what would the tree and the clown say about this concept that everything that they may want to reach lies inside this person? [points at Jan]

Jan: They agree. My whole future ... ummm ... [signs of trance]

Martyn: [To class] It seems that the first level of conflict for Jan is behavioral: "Do I smoke, or do I not smoke?" And the second conflict is about values about what is important: joy and harmony outside in the world (part 3), or inside Jan part 4)? A part of Jan seems to say: "If you find harmony only outside, I will make you sick."

Part 5 becomes Conscious

Now we can explore the second level of conflict and maybe we will find a fifth part. This part is not yet conscious. A fifth part should become conscious by objecting to parts 3 and 4 cooperating. The first conflict was about smoking/not smoking, and the second looks like outside/inside. Lets go back to Jan, [turns to Jan and observes him for a second] .

[To Jan] Jan, can you imagine again that you can see the white birch and the clown working together, so that you can have harmony and joy simultaneously in your life. Of course, there is this side of you that says, "Hey, there can be harmony and joy inside too, and not only in the world." Imagine Jan, what would happen if you find harmony and joy inside and outside simultaneously. Imagine you can live life with internal harmony and joy and external harmony and joy. What would that be like?

Jan: It looks like my main life goal.

Martyn: [To class] This conflict may lead to "What is the meaning of my life?" I said earlier that a conscious conflict is rarely so important: for example "Do I smoke - or do I not smoke?" is a detail compared to "What is my main life goal?"

[To Jan] What does this side want to tell you about the meaning of life?

Jan: That it is important to live life in balance. Inside and outside balance [Here is part 5].

Martyn: I wonder what the birch and the clown working together would say about having inside and outside balance simultaneously?

Jan: The birch says that there is health inside harmony, and the clown adds "And joy!"

Part 6 becomes Conscious

Martyn: Super! Imagine you can live your life with harmony and joy inside, and within harmony and joy in the outside world. Fantastic! Finally you begin to realize what your purpose in life is: to live life, harmoniously and joyfully inside and outside. Nothing else is so important. Wonderful - yes?

[With each sentence, Jan shows signs of exaltation, then surprise, then doubt, then his posture drops; then he shows an expression as if of a sudden realization.]

Martyn: Bong! Looks like part 6 is showing its head! [laughter in class] Something important is missing.

[Jan closes his eyes and his face becomes flaccid - he appears to go into trance]

Identity Conflict Explained

[To class] The dynamics of conflict will usually fit into the family matrix dynamics that we covered in Soulwork 1 training. When you resolve the first level of conflict, a client says usually something like, "Wow, everything that I've ever wanted is possible now!" while signaling "No!" non-verbally. Then use the Yes/No technique that you learned on your Soulwork 2 workshop.

Jan started with a conscious conflict, then found unconscious parts of another conflict. Perhaps the first two parts are like loud voices: one part keeps urging, "Smoke! Yes! Smoke!" and the other, "Don't smoke! No! Don't smoke!" Imagine how it would be to make a decision in-between these two loud inner voices. And other unconscious parts comment from a foggy background.

Student: I can think of many people who live their lives like that.

Martyn: I'd guess between 15% - 20% of Europeans and North Americans, based on my clients, workshops and talks, although systemic coaching may attract people with conflict.

[Martyn watches Jan as he talks. As soon as Jan makes some small movements and opens his eyes; Martyn immediately turns to Jan.]

Anyway, that's too much theory. Let's check if any of this makes sense.

Debrief Jan

[To Jan] Jan! Jak sie masz? Remember the clown on your right. The clown (part 1) says that smoking will give you more fun and joy in life. And on your left is the beautiful white birch (part 2) which may represent your peaceful health. And you can have the clown and the white birch together in front of you in an experience of cooperation with the outside world (part 3). That looks great: you can express joyous motivation and peaceful beauty during life. But on your right is a Chinese scroll (part 4) that seems to say, "Hey, no! It is more important that you experience cooperation inside."

Perhaps you can say "Thank you" to the Chinese scroll. And feel the conflict between the Chinese scroll and the cooperation between the clown and the white birch. And imagine, Jan, the possibility to have cooperation inside and cooperation outside at the same moment. Imagine you can live your life with full cooperation inside, and with peace and fun in the outside world. What would it be like, if you can have both of those simultaneously?

Jan: I feel an inner need to find such life.

Martyn: Imagine you can see future Jan who has full internal peace, while peacefully finding cooperation with the outside world. What would you call that state when you have full cooperation inside and full cooperation outside?

Jan: I don't know why, but I see the symbol of a cross in front of me.

Martyn: Great, look at that symbol of the cross in front of you, a symbol that represents two parts together - perhaps peaceful fun in life, and inner cooperation. What name would you give to this cross - this symbol that represents the integration of the second conflict? (Part 5)

Jan: Harmony.

Martyn: Consider living life in harmony, with full inside harmony and full outside harmony. Maybe that would be perfect! Maybe nothing else is wanted or needed. Maybe that would be the end of the path, there would be nothing else to do.

Part 6 becomes Conscious

Jan: [hesitates] I need to contact others as well. I need to see this harmony in a context.

Martyn: Good. And enjoy feeling your need to have contact with others. A part of you wants to live in full harmony, and perhaps another part of you says, "Something important is still missing!" What is this part that wants you to have contact with others?

Jan: Like a sunflower. (Part 6)

Martyn: Look at the sunflower that represents contact with others, and also at the cross, which represents harmony inside and outside. And when you consider contact with friends, who is the most important person to be in contact with?

Jan: With my mother.

Martyn: And look at that sunflower with the idea of full contact with your mother, and with other people. With the cross you find harmony, inside and outside. Consider the possibility of living your life with full harmony inside and outside, and with full contact with people, especially with your mother. How would it be for you to have both of these together in the same moment?

Jan: Great.

Part 7 becomes Conscious

Martyn: Imagine that you can step into that future, to the place where the sunflower and the cross become one. Step into full connection with friends and mother, and simultaneously full harmony inside and outside. What would be the symbol for this wonderful integration?

Jan: The sun. [Part 7]

Martyn: And if you look into the sun, how old is this part of you that is like the sun?

Jan: Six - six years old.

Martyn: Imagine you are six years old, shining like the sun. What would prevent you from shining like the sun? What would prevent you from having harmony inside and outside, and full connection?

Jan: Father!

Martyn: Where is father at this moment when you are shining like the sun?

Jan: He's about here. [gestures to his right]

Martyn: What would it be like to grow up and become an adult man, still shining like the sun, with full connection to mother and father, and with full harmony.

Jan: [deep strong voice] Great! All my life I wanted this.

Martyn: Imagine he is six years old. What's happening between your parents then? He's a brilliant 6-years old boy, shining like the sun. What would motivate him to hide his light?

Jan: I see my parents fighting.

Martyn: And look at your parents - look at them as if he is still a 6-year old boy who shines like the sun. How can he love his fighting parents?

Jan: [deeply resourceless in posture and voice] He is ... I am ... lost!

Martyn: [To class] That sounds like an access to an underlying relationship bond - an identity belief - I often call it a thoughtform. You can learn how to change relationship bonds in the next training, in Soulwork 5. (And, as all relationship bonds seem to be created in trauma - Soulwork 6 deals with resolving trauma and PTSD).

Jan: I feel a need to run away from watching my parents fight.

Martyn: He is 6-years old and shining like the sun - where can he run - where can he hide?

Jan: He just wants to be away.

Martyn: He is 6-years old and shining like the sun, how can he help your parents, how can he stop them fighting?

Jan: Help my mother around the house, be a good worker, help her clean up?

Martyn: What would that mean - to be a good worker?

Jan: Maybe they will love him more and they will stop fighting.

Martyn: Jan, look at that 6-years old boy shining like the sun. How can you encourage him? How can you love him?

Jan: He needs love.

Martyn: Imagine you can tell that little boy that you love him, that you accept him fully, that you love how he shines like the sun. What would he say?

Jan: [sigh, warm voice] That he lives inside me.

Martyn: Ask him if he wants to stay in the past like a childhood memory, or if he wants to participate in your life.

Jan: He doesn't want to stay a memory.

Martyn: Ask him to look at your life; imagine you can open up to him completely, and show him your successes and your mistakes. Show him your beautiful home and your businesses, your family and your children. Tell him how old you are. [Jan's physiology drops] Maybe he is shocked that you seem so old. Maybe ask him what is missing in your life, something that he's always had, something he's always wanted to give you. What is his greatest treasure, at age 6, that you forgot about?

Jan: [tears] The inner world.

Martyn: As you feel your tears for the little boy you once were, maybe you can enjoy that you have found him again. He was very good at hiding. Many children like playing hide-and-find. He hid so well that it took you many years to find him. Congratulate him - and perhaps ask him, what is the purpose of living?

Jan: [sobbing] To feel; to love.

Martyn: Can you ask him to show you the source of his love? Ask him to take you the next step to that source where love comes from ... what does he show you?

Jan: He shows me the sun.

Martyn: [ To class ] This looks like "integrity" only a step or two away.

Martyn: [ To Jan ] Imagine you can go with him towards the sun - to where the love comes from. What do you find there?

Jan: Freedom.

Martyn: Do you remember that the second step in your future was freedom? Imagine you can step into that freedom now. What becomes possible if you live life with freedom as the source of love?

Jan: [smiling in tears] Everything.

Martyn: Would it be TOTALLY OK for you to live life with freedom to love?

Jan: [deep sigh; totally symmetrical body with hands clasped in his lap] Yes!

Martyn: No ... there must be something else ... I'm sure that something is still missing ... another part ... other possibilities ...

Jan: [head high, hands on knees, breathing deeply and steadily, smiling peacefully, his voice deep and resonant] Martyn - if I could only live like this ... it's like all possibilities are freely available. I feel complete ... balanced ... connected to life ... there's really no separation ... and all those possibilities are part of me anyway.

Martyn: Thank you Jan. I ask that you take from this whatever you want. Thank you from all of us, for being willing to demonstrate this. And welcome home.

Summary