Online Systemic Coaching, Counseling & Therapy
This transcript was recorded during a seminar in Poland
by Martyn Carruthers about resolving deep conflict. A portion of this
transcript was cut and posted at
How children create complex conflict.
People suffering obsessions or compulsions often
find a predictable structure of underlying conflicts ... a sense of
cognitive dissonance and unaligned emotions. Here is an example of
exploring a deep conflict.
Jan is a businessman about 45 years old.
Martyn agreed to explore a conflict about Jan's
Conflict Resolution Transcript (Page 5) - Verbatim
Part 7 becomes Conscious
Martyn: Can you imagine stepping into that future, to a place
where the sunflower and the cross become one? Can you imagine stepping into full
connection with friends and mother, and simultaneously full harmony inside and
outside? [Jan nods] What might be a symbol of this integration?
Jan: The sun. [Part 7]
Martyn: And if you look into that sun, how old is this part of you
that is like the sun?
Jan: Six ... six years old.
Martyn: Imagine to see yourself six years old, shining like the sun.
What might prevent you from shining? What could
prevent you from having harmony inside and outside, and full connection?
Martyn: Where is your father at this moment when you are shining like
Jan: He's about here. [gestures to his right]
Martyn: What would it be like to grow up and become an adult man,
still shining like the sun, with full connection to mother and to father, and
with full harmony, inside and outside?
Jan: [deep strong voice] All my life I wanted this.
Martyn: Imagine little Jan is six years old. What was happening between your
parents then? He's a brilliant 6-years old boy, shining like the sun.
What motivates him to hide his light?
Jan: I see my parents fighting.
Martyn: And look at your parents - look at them as if he is still
a 6-year old boy who shines like the sun. How can he love his
Jan: [deeply resourceless
in posture and voice] He is ... I am ... lost!
Martyn: [To class] That "I am lost" sounds like an
access to an underlying relationship bond
- a limiting identity belief that I used to call
You can learn how to help people change relationship bonds in our
Systems 5 training. And, as toxic
bonds seem to be created in relationship issues - our
4 workshop deals with changing the consequences of
trauma and abuse.
Jan: I feel a need to run away from watching my parents fight.
Martyn: He is 6-years old and shining like the sun - where
can he run - where can he hide?
Jan: He just wants to be away.
Martyn: He is 6-years old and shining like the sun, how
can he hide from your fighting parents?
Jan: Help my mother around the house, be a good worker, help
her clean up?
Martyn: What would that mean - to be a good worker?
Jan: Maybe they will love him more and then they will stop fighting.
Martyn: Jan, look at that 6-year old boy shining like the sun. How
can you encourage him? How can you love him?
Jan: He needs love.
Martyn: Imagine you can tell that little boy that you love him, that
you accept him fully, that you love how he shines like the sun.
What would he say?
Jan: [sigh, warm voice] That he lives inside me.
Martyn: Can you ask him if he wants to stay in the past like
a childhood memory, or if he wants to participate in your human life?
Jan: He doesn't want to be just a memory.
Martyn: Can you ask him to look at your life; imagine you can
show him your successes and your mistakes? Show him your beautiful
home and your many businesses, your family and your children. Tell him how
old you are. [Jan's physiology drops] Maybe he is shocked that
you seem so old. Maybe ask him what is missing in your life, something
that he's always had, something he's always wanted to give you. What is
his greatest treasure, at age 6, that he still has and you lost or forgot?
Jan: [sobs] The inner world.
Martyn: As you feel tears for the little boy you once were,
maybe you can enjoy that you have found him again. He was very good at
hiding. Many children like playing hide-and-seek. He hid so well that
it took you many years to find him. Congratulate him - and perhaps
ask him, what is the purpose of life?
Jan: [sobbing] To feel; to love.
Martyn: Can you ask him to show you the source of his love?
Can you ask him to take you the next step to that source where
love comes from ... what does he show you?
Jan: He shows me the sun.
Martyn: [To class ] This looks like
may only be a step or two away.
Martyn: [To Jan ] Imagine you can go with him towards the sun
- to where the love comes from. What do you find there?
Martyn: Do you remember that the second step in your future was
freedom? Imagine that you step into that freedom now. What becomes
possible if you live life with freedom as the source of your love?
Jan: [smiling in tears] Everything.
Martyn: Would it be TOTALLY OK for you to live life with freedom to
Jan: [deep sigh; totally symmetrical body with hands clasped in
his lap] Yes!
Martyn: No ... wait ... there must be something else ...
maybe something is still missing ... another part ... other possibilities
... other objections ... [Martyn is smiling - he is being provocative]
Jan: [head high, hands on knees, breathing deeply
and steadily, smiling peacefully, his voice deep and resonant]
Martyn - if I could only live like this ... it's like all
possibilities are freely available. I feel complete ... balanced ...
connected to life ... there's really no separation ... and all those
possibilities are part of me anyway.
Martyn: Thank you Jan. I ask that you take whatever you want from
our talk. Thank you from all of us, for being willing to explore the
structure of your conflict. We can complete this integration after the
workshop if you wish - and sort out your parental bonds. Welcome back ...
and welcome home!
Martyn asked Jan a few questions to explore some of the
qualities and advantages of integrity as a
resource state (which Martyn says is important for helping people
define and fulfill life goals). Then Jan returned to his chair - almost
shining with peaceful congruence.
Summary of Conflict Resolution Demonstration
Martyn: [To class] Jan now shows congruence - no
indications of another level of conflict. This looks like a classic
7-part identity conflict with three levels of abstraction. I'd guess
that 15-20% of our clients and
students show similar 7-part conflicts.
Remember that Jan indicated much of this to us in the first
few minutes. Remember his two steps to freedom? Now it looks like
three conflict integrations are required. A next step would
change the underlying bonds, so that Jan can live with integrity
instead of with conflict. I will show you how we do that in the
Bondwork part of our training.
seventh part is often a step or two from integrity - from the
Soul of Soulwork. As when resolving
an identification or lost identity, a person may suddenly experience
integrity, a stable resource state or life-compass that I sometimes call Soul!
Can you recall Jan's initial goalwork. He perceived two steps to resolve
this conflict. He described his behavioral conflict, and
then (step 1) a value conflict. Jan next talked about his
freedom to love (step 2) an identity conflict.
Jan now knows that he can integrate much of his life, and he
congruently wants this life-goal. (The goals of an age-regressed
parts are often childish at first. We often help people assimilate
their childlike parts - with their gifts or blessings).
Jan's harvest from this demonstration is not a theory, rather
an experience of integrity from which he can evaluate his life.
His next steps could be to 1) stabilize
integrity 2) find and replace any toxic
beliefs (relationship bonds) and 3)
resolve the trauma in which those bonds
Finally I would suggest couple counseling (with his
partner) or family coaching (with his partner and children) to allow his family to
explore how their relationships with Jan will change as he, and they, become more
To readers: thank you for reading this far. Your
attention is a real compliment.
Please email us your experiences and contact us to resolve inner conflicts.
Online Systemic Coaching, Counseling & Therapy
Plagiarism is theft © Martyn Carruthers 2002-2017
All rights reserved. Transcribed by Dr Ana Pejcinova