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Solutions for Complex Conflict - Page 5
Ending Confusion Martyn Carruthers 2002-2018
Soulwork Croatia / Hrvatska

Transcript recorded and transcribed by Ana Pejcinova, PhD

Online Systemic Coaching, Counseling & Therapy

This transcript was recorded during a seminar in Poland by Martyn Carruthers about resolving deep conflict. A portion of this transcript was cut and posted at
How children create complex conflict.

People suffering obsessions or compulsions often find a predictable structure of underlying conflicts ... a sense of cognitive dissonance and unaligned emotions. Here is an example of exploring a deep conflict.

Jan is a businessman about 45 years old.
He and Martyn agreed to explore a conflict about Jan's smoking habit.

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Conflict Resolution Transcript (Page 5) - Verbatim

Part 7 becomes Conscious

Martyn: Can you imagine stepping into that future, to a place where the sunflower and the cross become one? Can you imagine stepping into full connection with friends and mother, and simultaneously full harmony inside and outside? [Jan nods] What might be a symbol of this integration?

Jan: The sun. [Part 7]

Martyn: And if you look into that sun, how old is this part of you that is like the sun?

Jan: Six ... six years old.

Martyn: Imagine to see yourself six years old, shining like the sun. What might prevent you from shining? What could prevent you from having harmony inside and outside, and full connection?

Jan: Father!

Martyn: Where is your father at this moment when you are shining like the sun?

Jan: He's about here. [gestures to his right]

Martyn: What would it be like to grow up and become an adult man, still shining like the sun, with full connection to mother and to father, and with full harmony, inside and outside?

Jan: [deep strong voice] All my life I wanted this.

Martyn: Imagine little Jan is six years old. What was happening between your parents then? He's a brilliant 6-years old boy, shining like the sun. What motivates him to hide his light?

Jan: I see my parents fighting.

Martyn: And look at your parents - look at them as if he is still a 6-year old boy who shines like the sun. How can he love his fighting parents?

Jan: [deeply resourceless in posture and voice] He is ... I am ... lost!

Martyn: [To class] That "I am lost" sounds like an access to an underlying relationship bond - a limiting identity belief that I used to call thoughtforms. You can learn how to help people change relationship bonds in our Systems 5 training. And, as toxic bonds seem to be created in relationship issues - our Systems 4 workshop deals with changing the consequences of crisis, trauma and abuse.

Jan: I feel a need to run away from watching my parents fight.

Martyn: He is 6-years old and shining like the sun - where can he run - where can he hide?

Jan: He just wants to be away.

Martyn: He is 6-years old and shining like the sun, how can he hide from your fighting parents?

Jan: Help my mother around the house, be a good worker, help her clean up?

Martyn: What would that mean - to be a good worker?

Jan: Maybe they will love him more and then they will stop fighting.

Martyn: Jan, look at that 6-year old boy shining like the sun. How can you encourage him? How can you love him?

Jan: He needs love.

Martyn: Imagine you can tell that little boy that you love him, that you accept him fully, that you love how he shines like the sun. What would he say?

Jan: [sigh, warm voice] That he lives inside me.

Martyn: Can you ask him if he wants to stay in the past like a childhood memory, or if he wants to participate in your human life?

Jan: He doesn't want to be just a memory.

Martyn: Can you ask him to look at your life; imagine you can show him your successes and your mistakes? Show him your beautiful home and your many businesses, your family and your children. Tell him how old you are. [Jan's physiology drops] Maybe he is shocked that you seem so old. Maybe ask him what is missing in your life, something that he's always had, something he's always wanted to give you. What is his greatest treasure, at age 6, that he still has and you lost or forgot?

Jan: [sobs] The inner world.

Martyn: As you feel tears for the little boy you once were, maybe you can enjoy that you have found him again. He was very good at hiding. Many children like playing hide-and-seek. He hid so well that it took you many years to find him. Congratulate him - and perhaps ask him, what is the purpose of life?

Jan: [sobbing] To feel; to love.

Martyn: Can you ask him to show you the source of his love? Can you ask him to take you the next step to that source where love comes from ... what does he show you?

Jan: He shows me the sun.

Martyn: [To class ] This looks like integrity or soul may only be a step or two away.

Martyn: [To Jan ] Imagine you can go with him towards the sun - to where the love comes from. What do you find there?

Jan: Freedom.

Martyn: Do you remember that the second step in your future was freedom? Imagine that you step into that freedom now. What becomes possible if you live life with freedom as the source of your love?

Jan: [smiling in tears] Everything.

Martyn: Would it be TOTALLY OK for you to live life with freedom to love?

Jan: [deep sigh; totally symmetrical body with hands clasped in his lap] Yes!

Martyn: No ... wait ... there must be something else ... maybe something is still missing ... another part ... other possibilities ... other objections ... [Martyn is smiling - he is being provocative]

Jan: [head high, hands on knees, breathing deeply and steadily, smiling peacefully, his voice deep and resonant] Martyn - if I could only live like this ... it's like all possibilities are freely available. I feel complete ... balanced ... connected to life ... there's really no separation ... and all those possibilities are part of me anyway.

Martyn: Thank you Jan. I ask that you take whatever you want from our talk. Thank you from all of us, for being willing to explore the structure of your conflict. We can complete this integration after the workshop if you wish - and sort out your parental bonds. Welcome back ... and welcome home!

Martyn asked Jan a few questions to explore some of the qualities and advantages of integrity as a stable resource state (which Martyn says is important for helping people define and fulfill life goals). Then Jan returned to his chair - almost shining with peaceful congruence.

Summary of Conflict Resolution Demonstration

Martyn: [To class] Jan now shows congruence - no indications of another level of conflict. This looks like a classic 7-part identity conflict with three levels of abstraction. I'd guess that 15-20% of our clients and students show similar 7-part conflicts.

Remember that Jan indicated much of this to us in the first few minutes. Remember his two steps to freedom? Now it looks like three conflict integrations are required. A next step would change the underlying bonds, so that Jan can live with integrity instead of with conflict. I will show you how we do that in the Bondwork part of our training.

The seventh part is often a step or two from integrity - from the Soul of Soulwork. As when resolving an identification or lost identity, a person may suddenly experience integrity, a stable resource state or life-compass that I sometimes call Soul!

Can you recall Jan's initial goalwork. He perceived two steps to resolve this conflict. He described his behavioral conflict, and then (step 1) a value conflict. Jan next talked about his freedom to love (step 2) an identity conflict.

Jan now knows that he can integrate much of his life, and he congruently wants this life-goal. (The goals of an age-regressed parts are often childish at first. We often help people assimilate their childlike parts - with their gifts or blessings).

Jan's harvest from this demonstration is not a theory, rather an experience of integrity from which he can evaluate his life. His next steps could be to 1) stabilize integrity 2) find and replace any toxic beliefs (relationship bonds) and 3) resolve the trauma in which those bonds were created.

Finally I would suggest couple counseling (with his partner) or family coaching (with his partner and children) to allow his family to explore how their relationships with Jan will change as he, and they, become more integrated.

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To readers: thank you for reading this far. Your attention is a real compliment.
Please email us your experiences and contact us to resolve inner conflicts.

Online Systemic Coaching, Counseling & Therapy

Plagiarism is theft Martyn Carruthers 2002-2018
All rights reserved. Transcribed by Dr Ana Pejcinova

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Have You Suffered Enough?

 Where are you now? Understand your emotions, fixations and enmeshments
What do you hope for? Know your goals and stop sabotaging yourself
Do you feel resourceful? Learn to develop your inner resources
Do emotions block you? Relationship problems and mentor damage
Do your beliefs limit you? Change limiting beliefs and end dependence
Do you feel connected? Resolve identity issues to recover lost resources
Is your partner happy? Build healthy partnership (or separate peacefully)
Are your children healthy? Happy parents better manage family problems
Do you want team success? Team leaders and their teams develop together
Do you have complex goals? Specialty coaching, counseling & therapy

Plagiarism is theft. Copyright Martyn Carruthers 1996-2018  All rights reserved. Soulwork Systemic Coaching was primarily developed by Martyn Carruthers to help people solve emotional problems and relationship conflicts to achieve their goals. These concepts and strategies are for general knowledge only. Consult a physician about medical conditions and before changing medical treatment. Don't steal intellectual property ... get permission to post, publish or teach Martyn's work - email