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Transcript
During a training in Systemic Coaching in Warsaw (Poland)
for coaches, therapists and counselors, Martyn described and
demonstrated recovering lost resources, or
"parts" of a person’s identity that were “split off”,
usually during childhood trauma. Most people seem to have split-off resources,
and many people suffer inner conflict between these split-off parts. (Such
"parts" have been called ego-states by Berne and complexes by Freud).
A significant split-off part may be called
Lost Identity. The symptoms may be diagnosed as PTSD, borderline
schizophrenia, bipolar disorder or depression.
Systemic coaching can be used as part
of many other modalities.
- Martyn spoke in English, which was translated into Polish
- The demonstration subject spoke in Polish, which was translated
into English
- The audience included people from Canada, Poland, Czech Republic
and Macedonia
- Martyn asked for someone with a
non-private conflict to be a demonstration subject
- Amanda (not her name) volunteered, and sat at the front
of the class, facing the class
- Martyn and Amanda discussed privacy and how Martyn
could talk to the class about Amanda’s non-verbal
behavior, without disturbing her
Transcript
Martyn: Amanda, I prefer
to teach theory AFTER demonstrations – this keeps me
honest! Let’s start. Do you know what you want?
Amanda: Obviously, I want to lose weight! [laughs]
I want to get rid of my desire to eat everything!
Martyn: Get rid of it? Really?
Amanda:
[Amanda moves her legs, scratches her left arm with her right hand,
gently taps the toes of her right foot on the floor and stares at the
ceiling] Of course!
Martyn:
[to class] Asking ‘Really?’ can quickly check for non-verbal objections to
the goal. Amanda showed a cluster of non-verbal signals - did any of these
signals convey unconscious objections to her stated goal? We can only guess
– we don’t know yet!
[To Amanda] Convince us, Amanda, why should we believe you?
Amanda:
There are moments in my life when there are two Amandas. One eats all that
food [Amanda gestures with her left hand downwards to her forward left]
and the other talks to the first one that what she does is not right. [She
gestures with both hands simultaneously at chest level a little to the right]
Martyn: [to class] Rozumiem
bardzo maly po polsku - I understand little Polish,
so I watch carefully how Amanda answers and later I try to
make sense of her translated words. Amanda started talking and gestured to her left in
front of her with her left hand about the Amanda that “eats all that food”,
and then used both hands together when she talked about her inner voice. At
that moment you could guess that parts of Amanda communicate conflict
non-verbally. Now you can see which part of herself Amanda may want to control
– and whether that part is mature or age-regressed!
[In Martyn’s model of non-verbal
communication, gesturing downwards to the forward left likely indicates a
young child, an adult who acts like a child, or a dissociated childish part of a person.]
Amanda: The other part of me is a voice.
Martyn: Whose voice does this
remind you of?
Amanda: It's my own voice!
Martyn: Good; what does this voice-part of you want?
Amanda: Something like understanding and acceptance.
Martyn:
Which one first? Does this part want: understanding first and then
acceptance, or acceptance first and then …
Amanda:
[points with her right hand to her left hand] Understanding, and then
acceptance.
Martyn: Thank you.
[To class] You may have noticed that Amanda’s right hand signals
about what her left hand wants. [He points with his right finger to his left
hand, and speaks for the right hand] “This part [the left hand] wants
understanding, and then acceptance.” Amanda nonverbally indicates that the
right-hand-part might want to help or control the left-hand-part.
Or: understanding, and then acceptance”
may be the opinion of the right-hand-part about what the left-hand-part
should do, again indicating that the left-hand-part may be age regressed
or resourceless, and the right-hand part may be more resourceful.
[To Amanda] Amanda, take a
moment to feel that left side of you, the part that wants to eat. How
old do you feel when you start to eat as much as you want?
Amanda: Nineteen.
Martyn:
Take a moment and remember teenage Amanda. What was happening in her life?
Was her life full of happiness?
Amanda: I have a feeling of pressure, lack of space…
Martyn:
Take a moment to remember teenage Amanda under pressure. Was this the first
time that teenage Amanda felt that type of pressure?
Amanda: trance Uhmmmm...
Martyn: [To class] This is
an example of transderivational search.
You learn it in depth in
Soulwork 6, as it is
useful for finding forgotten trauma, relationships and resources. We can find out
what is going on. Amanda said that her pressure originated in her teenage
years. I would be surprised if it appeared so late in life. Amanda also said
“I have a feeling of pressure.” Let’s check that feeling.
[To Amanda] “Go back before that. Did you feel that pressure;
that lack of space, before?”
Amanda: [pause]: Consciously, I think I do not remember. [She slouches
slightly]
Martyn:
Of course you don’t remember. [slows tempo] Maybe nothing happened, or maybe something
happened that you really did not want to remember, or maybe you only saw something...
Some things that we forget control our lives.
Sometimes we even forget that we forgot. Maybe you even don’t need to
remember ... consciously ... [Amanda straightens her posture, and
Martyn's voice returns to his normal tempo] and
what age comes to your mind?
Amanda: Six. [gesturing to her left]
Martyn:
Thank you. Maybe you will never remember what happened. Maybe it’s not even
important. Imagine you can see this 6-year old Amanda on your left side. What would
she look like?
Amanda: It’s quite a sad child.
Martyn:
Can you ask this sad child if she wants to talk to you? [Amanda nods]
Imagine looking into the eyes of sad little Amanda and ask her why she is so
sad.
Amanda: She feels that nobody notices her.
Martyn:
Maybe she’s right. Maybe her parents are too busy with each other. Maybe she
enjoys hiding. Maybe she does not want people to notice her. What does
little Amanda want?
Amanda: She prefers to hide.
Martyn:
Ask her what she is hiding from? [Amanda’s posture becomes trance-like. Martyn
slows his voice tempo.] Maybe little Amanda is playing a game? Maybe she
thinks somebody will hurt her? Maybe there’s something she does not want to
see? Is she hiding from something?
Amanda: She’s hiding from her parents’ conflict.
Martyn:
It can be sad for a little girl to see her parents’ conflict. What is
the easiest way for her to not see her parents’ conflict?
Amanda: To turn her face toward the wall.
Martyn:
Perhaps little Amanda has been waiting for thirty years with her face turned
toward the wall, waiting for somebody who loves her to tell her, “Hey, it’s
safe now! Come home!” [Amanda's features slacken and she gazes into space … I’ll talk to the class for a moment …
[To class] I was just asked how to make
friends with parts of a person that a person does not like or does not want. I cannot expect
Amanda to say to the part of her that makes her eat, “Oh how I
love you, wonderful part of me that makes me eat!” I’d expect the
opposite.
Instead, I can make friends with
that part and find out what’s going on in as friendly way as I can. Now I
can talk to a six-year-old part of Amanda – as if to a young girl who is
hiding to avoid her parents’ conflict. This could be called an “ego-state” in
transactional analysis or a “complex” in Freudian circles. Let’s stay with Amanda’s
metaphor and imagine that a child-Amanda was lost – and can be found.
Martyn [pretends to talk to class but non-verbally directs his
communication to Amanda] Maybe Amanda is ready to love that part of her self.
Or maybe Amanda would prefer to have that part of herself continue to hide. That part
has been hiding for thirty years, so maybe we can let it stay hidden … [Amanda
stiffens, then cries while shaking her head]
[To class] I’ve just checked a theory with provocation.
With a bit more provocation we may need a bucket and a mop.
[To Amanda] Amanda, look at the little
girl who you once were, in your mind. Perhaps she’s been holding your left
hand for a very long time, perhaps she has signaled you in different ways
and she wants to try to make you feel good, and she’s only 6 years old. What
did her mother do to her to help her feel loved?
Amanda:
[laughs] My mother cooked for me! [shocked voice]
My mother showed her love for me with food!
Martyn: Perhaps little Amanda has been showing her love to YOU the only
way she knows. Every time she wants you to eat, maybe she’s communicating, “I
love you. Please notice me.”
Amanda [laughs in tears]
Martyn:
Imagine you can see little Amanda, and ask her to look at you. Say to her, “Dear
little Amanda, I’ve grown up. I’m a woman now, and I have a child of my own
older than you.” What would little Amanda say?
Amanda: She is confused.
Martyn: Yes. Does she accept that you’ve grown up?
Amanda: No! She doesn’t believe me!
Martyn:
Ask her to sit on your legs, and to lean back against your chest. And
remember that this is the horrible side of you that “MAKES … YOU … EAT”!
Amanda: [laughs and moves her hands as if holding a child on her lap]
Martyn:
You are a TV producer, so this may be easy for you: Imagine making a TV show
in your mind, so that little Amanda can watch your TV show and understand
some of the things that you have done since you were six. Imagine you can
watch the TV show together. Show her your student years, your marriage, the
birth of your son, the holidays you have taken, and some highlights of your career.
Amanda: [smiles widely]
Martyn:
Also show her some of your disappointments and mistakes, so that she can see
that you are a human being and that you live your life the best that you can
without her.
Amanda: [frowns – then her eyes moisten again]
Martyn: Then ask little Amanda, in her opinion, what is missing in your life.
Amanda: She thinks that full love is missing
Martyn: Ask little Amanda if she would enjoy helping you find full love?
Amanda: [nods]
Martyn: Can she teach you how to love yourself?
Amanda: [nods]
Martyn: Does she tell you to love yourself by eating?
Amanda: [opens her eyes wide, and opens her mouth as if to speak – but is silent.
She nods.]
Martyn: Or maybe she has other ideas too?
Amanda: [smiles and nods]
Martyn: Ask her for some other ideas how she can teach you to love yourself.
Amanda: [cries] It is too hard for me at this moment…
Martyn: OK - maybe we stop…
Amanda: No!
Martyn: You win. What other ideas does she have about
teaching you to love yourself?
Amanda: [taps her right foot and scratches her left arm with her right fingers]
Martyn: [To class] Notice some possible objections here! It looks like her right
side is signaling again!
Martyn: [To Amanda] I have an idea that some part of your body may say “No!
If you love yourself, maybe something awful will happen.” Maybe you will
become an egoist. Maybe nobody will like you, or maybe you’ll have to do
something you don’t want to do.
[To class] When coaching, I use a lot
of “maybe” provocation and … [Amanda suddenly looks shocked]
… and we call THAT the “BONG” effect.
[To Amanda] What’s going on?
Amanda: Nothing … well … I just thought of something … something private
Martyn:
OK. Let’s come back to little Amanda - what are her ideas? [pause] Or
maybe she doesn’t want to talk?
Amanda:
Another way of sharing love would be to spend time in nature. And dance.
Martyn: Which one first?
Amanda: Simultaneously!
Martyn:
Dancing in nature! Wonderful! And feel the love of this part of you who only
wanted to love you; how can you love this young part of you? Maybe she
thinks that nobody loves her. Maybe she’s right.
Amanda: [shakes head]
Martyn:
How does she want you to love her? Maybe she only wants food. Is that what
she wants, more food?
Amanda: No, she doesn’t want any more food.
Martyn: Maybe she has a better idea?
Amanda: Walks. She wants me to express my love for her by taking her for walks in
nature.
Martyn:
Great, and maybe you can show each other love by walking together. Ask
little Amanda, where in the whole world she’s always wanted to take a walk?
… Maybe she’s always wanted to walk in the Sahara Desert…
Amanda: To Green Mountain!
Martyn:
Beautiful. And imagine that she is a real little girl, and that you can walk
a path with her on Green Mountain, and that you share all the beautiful
things you discover on this path. Maybe you can dance in the mountain
forests…
Let her choose where she would like you to take her next. What would be
a great happiness for her? What would she like to do?
Amanda: To go to Aqua Park.
Martyn:
Perhaps in your mind you can take her to the Aqua Park, and go together on
all those wonderful rides, maybe play together…
Does she change in this beautiful place? Is she still six years old?
Amanda: Yes.
Martyn:
Maybe say to her that she can stay six as long as she likes. Perhaps tell her that
you can love her now, no matter what age she is.
Amanda: She looks livelier now.
Martyn:
Look at this lively little girl. Maybe tell her how beautiful she is. My
question is: can you give her all the love that she wants? Maybe all the
love that her parents never gave her? What do you think?
Amanda: [nods]
Martyn:
OK. Take time to consider what you are learning here. You are learning
how to love yourself! You are learning how to enjoy parts of yourself that
you have rejected! How do you feel?
Amanda: Shocked! I HATED the part of me that
always wanted to eat! And now [softens
face and posture] … I feel like I’ve ignored a very important part of me
for a long time. It will take some time to get to know her again.
Martyn: Good. And perhaps you can continue this later,
in the exercise, in your thoughts, in your dreams … thanks so much, Amanda.
Amanda: Thank you! [She returns to her chair]
Martyn:
[To class] An important fragment of many Soulwork Systemic Coaching is
finding and befriending parts of a person that the person does not like. I find
this to be a great way to coach people to resolve trauma and other conflicts.
This was only one step, however. There are likely other parts involved with
compulsions and obsessions such as over-eating or smoking etc. I’d expect an
Identity Conflict with five or seven parts. You might
have to repeat this a few times with different parts – and then either coach
a “parts party”, or an "integrative goalwalk".
If a person has a Complex Conflict, you can coach
sequential integrations and then resolve the underlying Thoughtform. We will cover this in
Soulwork 5 (A thoughtform
can be described as a taboo unconscious belief or false identity that is needed for
a relationship to continue).
Amanda expressed a huge amount of information non-verbally.
If you had your nose in your notebooks – you missed half of this demonstration.
Verbal exchange is only part of Soulwork. If you wait
for your clients to TELL you everything, you may wait a very long time.
Do you remember how to coach a person to quickly dissolve “Yes – No”
objections (a client says YES, or states a goal while signaling NO) on the
Soulwork 2 course? By now you should be able to dissolve “Yes – No”
objections in your sleep! Most of your clients will
express multiple Yes - No objections – or it's unlikely they would be clients!
Plagiarism is theft © Martyn Carruthers, 2002 All rights reserved
Coaching Complex Conflict - Transcript
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