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We present experiential seminars and workshops on
systemic team coaching, accelerated learning, expert modeling and
relationship bonds. Email us if you wish to organize a workshop.
Verbal Self Defense
Perhaps you react to difficult people or verbal abuse like a warrior,
when you feel strong enough to stand and fight. Or maybe you immediately
become passive, like a beaten dog. Your reactions
may depend on your perception of the power differential between the abuser
and you.
Both your fight or your flight may
cause problems. Either way, you may later feel stupid, bad or childish.
Do you want to improve your reactions - but you don't know how? An
important question is - Would you like to respond to verbal attacks
with adult, responsible reactions?
Verbal self-defense is about your attitude and your
communication skills. Soulwork systemic coaching can coach you
to tolerate or even enjoy responding to difficult
people in ways that fit with
your goals and with your sense of self.
[ Downsizing ] [
Difficult Employees ] [
Hiring, Firing & Inspiring ]
Prepare Yourself
Sooner or later, probably sooner, you will
experience one or more of the following:
- Confusing communication
- Deception and bluff
- Objections
- Victim Games: Blame, Excuses, Justifications
and Complaints
- Attacks
Whether or not a person is being deliberately difficult is not as
important as how you deal with it. When it happens, you won't have
enough time to find this page. Instead, our coach training can help you
develop mental and emotional reflexes to have the resources that you need
- when you need them.
[
Emotional Blackmail
] [ Client Abuse ]
[ Abusive Relationships ]
Listen Carefully
If you hear something that you dislike; you may assume that the
communication is false, or not worth listening to, and stop listening.
If the communication might be important, listen anyway, with attention, until
you understand what's being communicated, and why. This is especially true when children
talk.
Confusion
Your confusion may be honest and spontaneous - and
your confusion may be the goal of an attack (common in interviews and
interrogation.) Confused people may respond childishly. Assess what exactly is being asked and
try to recognize if the communication is deliberately confusing.
Examples of confusing communication include:
- Someone talks irrationally - (we call this
alphabet soup and word salad)
- Someone gives you false, inadequate or too much
information
- Someone says "Yes" and signals
"No"; or vice versa
- Someone says "Yes, but ..." to
your ideas or suggestions
Confusing communication may especially occur if:
- Someone imagines that you are someone else
- Someone imagines that you know more than you do
- Someone blames you for being
difficult
- Someone is fulfilling a hidden agenda
Verbal Aikido workshops and Soulwork
systemic coach training provide many solutions for clarifying
confusion in communication. We help you stay resourceful in chaos.
Veiled Deception & Outright Lies
Some people will deceive and lie to you. Your child didn't eat the chocolate. Your partner was
at
an office meeting on Saturday night. This used car only had one aged owner. This house is
not in a flood zone. The government taxes other people for your benefit.
- Someone deliberately misleads you
- Someone withholds important information
- Someone pretends to not know important
information
- Someone pretends to know more than they know
One possibility is to tell your simple truth and
ask for clarity:
- "How can I know if that is true?"
- "I have no way of knowing if what you say
is true"
- "What else can you tell me that is
relevant?"
- "Based on what you have told me ... "
You have many other choices that we cover in Soulwork
training.
Objections
This may be important whenever you want a
decision. You ask your partner to go with you to the opera, and your
partner says "No", or perhaps worse, says "Yes,
dear" while coughing and rolling the eyes.
- Someone verbally objects to your statement or
idea
- Someone non-verbally objects to your
statement or idea
Soulwork coach training provides the skills
for coaches, counselors and therapists to assist difficult
clients by dissolving their objections within ordinary conversations.
[ Systemic Coach Training ]
[ Corporate Coaching ]
Victim Games
In older times, a leper had to carry a bell to warn
others of his or her approach. Although leprosy is now controlled by
medication, another disease has its warning bells. People who wish to avoid responsibility use four
types of time-tested bells: Blame, Excuses, Justifications
and Complaints.
An excuse is the skin of a
reason - stuffed with lies
Many people who play these destructive victim
games are entangled with or codependent with their parents,
partners or children.
One way to find truth is to ask for details: "You
say that you are late because you had a punctured tire? Which wheel was
it? Did you have a spare or did you go to a garage?"
[
Emotional Incest ]
[ End Codependence
]
Direct Verbal Attack
- Someone criticizes you overtly or covertly
- Someone attacks your behavior, beliefs,
values or identity
If you can assume that criticism is an unstated wish for
your benefit, regardless of evidence to the contrary, a critical
attacker may try to prove that your positive
assumption is true. Or assume a hidden agenda. Assume that an
attacker gets some benefit out of the attack and, if it seems
worthwhile to you, uncover those benefits. These useful skills for a team
leader, human resources professional or manager are part of Soulwork
coach training.
Chronic verbal attackers
- They may be entangled with their family members
- They may verbally abuse or criticize themselves
- They may know no other way to communicate
- They may want to shock you to get your attention
Once you pause and notice what's going on, you
can better use your resources. You may not like the attacker, nor the
attack, but you may find much better choices than fighting
or running.
Chronic "difficult people" are often entangled,
living out their parents' conflicts and unfulfilled dreams.
Knowing this, you can sculpt your communication and build adult
communication.
[ Mother -
Son Entanglements ] [
Father - Daughter
Bonds ] Parry Attack
Some of your
choices are:
- Ignore - "I will pretend that you didn't
say that"
- Retaliate - "How DARE you say that to me!"
- Plead - "You
KNOW I don't have time to discuss that right now!"
- Retreat - "You are right - I am an
idiot - please leave me alone"
These reward your attacker with a
resourceless reaction, and may encourage an attacker to abuse you again. Some other
choices can show your attacker that you are mature, adult and
resourceful. You can motivate them to communicate resourcefully
also, or to take their foolishness elsewhere. Verbal aikido includes a vast array of skills for
difficult situations. I assume that you do not have an
obsession to teach strangers to be polite. We
offer you many ways to stay resourceful while responding to
difficult people in ways that fit with
mutual goals, the relationship type and your sense of self.
Note that using verbal aikido in intimate relationships can diminish or end intimacy.
Defend yourself appropriately for the relationship.
Interrogation & Hostile Interviews
This refers to the heaviest verbal
attacks, including hostile interviews, leaving a cult-like
organization or accepting a decision to be punished. Your defense against
Abusive Relationships may
include silence, getting professional
legal representation or Exit Coaching.
What do you want?
Do you want to change robotic reactions
to verbal attack and find better responses? We provide
effective coaching and coach training. Do you want to coach
people to resolve relationship challenges? |
